A galaxy far, far to the left

That which passes for the “far left” these days, particularly among our more conservative commentators, is totally out of control. I’ve heard this phrase applied to dozens of people and entities, such as Michael Moore, John Kerry, Cindy Sheehan, and several major newspapers, most notably the New York Times and Washington Post. Bill O’Reilly (probably the funniest man on television) throws the label “far left” around constantly. I realize the obvious (and quite pathetic) strategy and rationale behind this tactic, but can’t these guys just stick with referring to the opposition as “liberal,” instead of mixing everyone who doesn’t say merry fucking Christmas in retail stores into one gigantic mob? If I look over in my proverbial political foxhole and see Bill Clinton standing next to me, I’m going to freak. Please leave actual progressive thinkers out of this shit. Please.

I guess John Kerry resides on the “far left” of the political spectrum because he advocated for future negotiations in Iraq, smaller tax cuts, and abortion rights. Similarly, Michael Moore is clearly a pseudo-socialist due to his speaking out for revolutionary ideas such as labor unions, the lies behind the Iraq War, and gun control.

Wow – these are impressive left-wing credentials. Labor unions? Gun control? This is communism. Starve 180 pounds out of Michael Moore and slap a fake beard on him, and that motherfucker’s Ho Chi Minh. Give me a break. John Kerry is about as “far left” as Spiro Agnew.

If Michael Moore, John Kerry, and the New York Times represent the “far left” in the U.S. today, then where do I stand? Where do all my friends stand? Have we been pushed off the spectrum and relegated to the political “carport,” like small children at a family holiday dinner? Are we hanging off the edge of the U.S. political continuum, or have we simply fallen into political oblivion? Actually, my theory is that Karl Rove’s fat ass takes up so much space on the far right side of the spectrum that he pushed everyone over and knocked the far left contingent off the cliff.