The George W. Bush Presidential Library

It is not uncommon for presidents to begin planning their libraries before they leave office. They are very concerned - rightfully so - about their "legacies." As for George W. Bush, he's fighting a whole war just for his legacy, so planning his library seemed a natural extension. Bush seeks to balance armed invasion and occupation with reading. He's a multidimensional guy.

I was recently given a virtual tour of the planned George W. Bush Presidential Library and Funcenter, and it is a colossus. I share this tour with my reader(s).

Before you enter the library, you must of course remove your shoes and surrender any gels or liquids you have, before passing through metal detectors and a round of political interrogation (its not as bad as it sounds). As for "logistical" details, admission price is reduced for patriots, and the "family value" rate gets your whole tribe in very cheap. Admission is tax deductible. The library will also feature "privatized public restrooms."

When you finally make it in, you enter the grand "Lobbyists Lobby," the centerpiece of which is a giant statue of Bush himself, modeled after Rodin's "The Thinker." From this monumental lobby, there are numerous options for the serious adult visitor as well as for the kids. However, families who wish to spend part or all of their time in the library without their kids can leave them at the "Children Left Behind Childcare Center."

Alternatively, there are plenty of options for the kids to have some good old fashioned fun in the Bush Library. Families can take their kids to the gigantic indoor Black Water Park, which features such water rides as the "Gay Marriage Slippery Slope," the "Swift Boat Water Slide," and the "Hurricane Katrina Wave Pool." There is also a puppet show, performed every two hours by Karl Rove. The most popular attraction for underage visitors, however, is the huge Sports Complex, including the "Slam Dunk Basketball Court," the "Stay the Course Miniature Golf Range," and the "Last Throws Horseshoe Competition."

For adults, the choices are equally diverse and appealing. The most controversial exhibit is, of course, the Iraq War Exhibit, which the library's designers will purposefully leave largely unfinished, and fill in the exhibit's historical details over the next 10-30 years of the war. Upon opening, though, the exhibit will still be impressive, and it will include an actual piece of Saddam Hussein's ass, a "Find the WMD's Hedge Maze," and a large statue of General Petraeus done in the classical Greek style. Immediately upon entering the Iraq War exhibit, Iraqi children throw flowers and cheer visitors, while simultaneously, the number "9/11" flashes in a strobelight-like fashion all over the room.

Visitors may continue from the war exhibit to Oval Office Replica, a very popular attraction at most presidential libraries, since all presidents customize the aesthetics and functionality of the Oval Office to fit their own work habits and personality. The Bush Oval Office is no exception. For example, the president's desk will be a perfect replica of its current configuration, including a Pez dispenser, the phone-a-prompter (for scripting the president's phone calls), and a Magic 8-Ball. The office also includes an arts and crafts area for the president's relaxation, a "Rove Alcove" where the assistant used to work, a Fox News ticker, and a cotton candy machine.

Visitors may also take a look at the Dick Cheney Memorial Wing, which is located 1/2 mile underground, and includes a "Terrorist Shooting Range." If all the fascination and activity in the library make visitors hungry or thirsty, there is a "Cakewalk Snack Shop," which serves such selection as Grilled Chickenhawk sandwiches with a side of S-Chips and, for the refined customer seeking an after-dinner cocktail, a glass of Dubai Port. For dessert, you can enjoy treats such as the Tony Snowcone and Yellowcake.

When all is said and done, visitors are encouraged to check out the colossal Gift Shop, which is hosted by WalMart. There are too many interesting commemorative gifts to list, but they include the Abu Ghreib photo postcard book, a house doormat that says "We greet you as a liberator," The color-coded terrorist alarm clock radio, and a pocket-sized Bible/Constitution.

Library planners tell me that some "elite intellectual" or "liberal media" types may be wondering about the centerpiece of all existing presidential libraries - the documents collections. However, the Bush Library will not be providing such materials to the public, as they are all either classified or relevant to ongoing federal investigations (there is, however, a comic book reading room). The library also passed on the standard "oral histories" collections, because, they said, it "sounds too gay."

Still - the virtual tour of the library was a stunning experience, providing real insight into this palacial, imitation leader. I am also told that, once the library opens, the words and movements of every visitor will be recorded and given to them when they leave the library, along with a "Terrorist or Patriot Scorecard" based on their behavior within the library (kicking the piece of Saddam's ass apparently earns you big patriot points).

Because of this and everything else the library will offer, it is safe to say that admission "will pay for itself."