There’s a story in today’s NY Times about Saddam Hussein’s last days before capture. There is this remarkable detail that when he was caught, he was staying in some bunker or something in Tikrit, a ragged little place with a picture of Noah’s arc on the wall, and among his few belongings were a screwed up suitcase, some ragged clothing, and a heart-shaped clock.
A heart-shaped clock? A heart-shaped clock? The guy is wanted, dead or alive, by the most powerful military in the world, along with millions of enemies from his own country, he is moving from safe house to safe house, pursued by troops and heavy bombings of suspected hideouts, and he is running around with a heart-shaped clock? There had better be a shitload of sentimental value attached to that clock.
Anyway, this story, along with Saddam’s incredibly insane behavior and appearance during his trial, make me wonder what the first thing he said was upon being confronted by his captors. Here are a few possible theories I came up with:
- “Does one of you guys have a mint or something?”
- “No thanks. Not interested. Please remove me from your solicitation list.”
- “According to my heart-shaped clock here, you guys are about an hour early.”
- “Stop right there, and I’ll bring back the sun.”
- “Now take me to the Hague. Shotgun!”
- “Saddam Hussein? Who the hell is Saddam Hussein?”
- “Welcome! Come on in and make yourself at home; dinner is almost ready.”
- “Would you mind stopping at an ATM on the way back to base?”
- “Goddamnit! Always when I’m eating!”
- “Will you at least permit me the dignity of reattaching my mustache?”
- “He went that way! If you hurry, you can catch him!”
- “Don't come any closer! There's a WMD wired to this heart-shaped clock!”
- “Whatever Bush is paying you, I'll double it.”
- “I noticed that none of you guys is wearing proper body armor. Why is that?”
- “If I surrender quietly, will you let me ride in the tank?”
- “You guys could at least wipe your feet.”
- “If you think I was bad, wait until you try and establish a new government.”
