08 December 2006

The Lost Iraq Study Group Recommendations

After the release of the Iraq Study Group Report on Wednesday, I have come across some of the recommendations that were left out of the final version:

  • Employ new terminology for phased redeployment strategy – call it “cut and paste”
  • Send in Karl Rove to eat all the insurgents
  • Channel violent energy of Iraqis into “Doom” video game and squeezable stress balls
  • Convene Mideast peace conference with Israeli delegation sitting at table in the carport
  • Boost domestic war support by planting and finding WMD’s under mattress in Saddam Hussein’s prison cell
  • Arrange marriage of Bush daughters to Iranian Mullahs
  • Increase independence from Mideast oil by developing hybrid tanks and war planes
  • Just run without cutting
  • Change U.S. army uniforms to burqas
  • Send in Dick Cheney as an anger management consultant to mediate disputes
  • Protect the sanctity of marriage, and everything else will fall into place

18 July 2006

The Secret Bush Tapes

During lunch at a recent G8 summit meeting in Russia, President Bush was, unbeknownst to him, caught chatting informally with Tony Blair about the Middle East, the U.N., global trade talks, and miscellaneous other topics. Here are a few soundbytes that I heard were recorded:

  • “Is there something in my teeth?”
  • “I’ve had enough Euro-trash at this thing to last the rest of my term.”
  • “Those really are fabulous window treatments.”
  • “If I don't get to a bathroom soon there'll be an international incident.”
  • “Tony – have you given any more thought to switching wives for a night?”
  • “Have you heard the one about the Mullah, Emir, and Ayatollah who walk into a bar?”
  • “Sometimes I just want to crawl under the table at these dinners and play for a while.”
  • “So, Tony, about the war… Ah, fuck it – what’s for dessert?”
  • “Ever wonder whether those Arab fellas are naked under those robes?”
  • “What does the G in G8 stand for, anyway? Come to think of it, what does the 8 mean?”
  • “You know – Kofi Annan really is a good-looking man.”
  • “I have to go home soon or I’ll miss Gunsmoke.”
  • “I told Condi to get her sweet tits over to Syria and make something happen!”
  • “Do you dare me to throw this olive at Chirac?”
  • “You know, I’ve never understood how if it’s the east, it can also be in the middle.”
  • “I say Diet Coke and I get Coke. I think that waiter is a terrorist.”
  • “Hey Tony, let's go lob a cherry bomb into the men's room at the Kremlin!”
  • “There's just too much talking at these fuckin summits.”
  • “What's the weed situation for after dinner?”

12 March 2006

Saddam's last days

There’s a story in today’s NY Times about Saddam Hussein’s last days before capture. There is this remarkable detail that when he was caught, he was staying in some bunker or something in Tikrit, a ragged little place with a picture of Noah’s arc on the wall, and among his few belongings were a screwed up suitcase, some ragged clothing, and a heart-shaped clock.

A heart-shaped clock? A heart-shaped clock? The guy is wanted, dead or alive, by the most powerful military in the world, along with millions of enemies from his own country, he is moving from safe house to safe house, pursued by troops and heavy bombings of suspected hideouts, and he is running around with a heart-shaped clock? There had better be a shitload of sentimental value attached to that clock.

Anyway, this story, along with Saddam’s incredibly insane behavior and appearance during his trial, make me wonder what the first thing he said was upon being confronted by his captors. Here are a few possible theories I came up with:

  • “Does one of you guys have a mint or something?”
  • “No thanks. Not interested. Please remove me from your solicitation list.”
  • “According to my heart-shaped clock here, you guys are about an hour early.”
  • “Stop right there, and I’ll bring back the sun.”
  • “Now take me to the Hague. Shotgun!”
  • “Saddam Hussein? Who the hell is Saddam Hussein?”
  • “Welcome! Come on in and make yourself at home; dinner is almost ready.”
  • “Would you mind stopping at an ATM on the way back to base?”
  • “Goddamnit! Always when I’m eating!”
  • “Will you at least permit me the dignity of reattaching my mustache?”
  • “He went that way! If you hurry, you can catch him!”
  • “Don't come any closer! There's a WMD wired to this heart-shaped clock!”
  • “Whatever Bush is paying you, I'll double it.”
  • “I noticed that none of you guys is wearing proper body armor. Why is that?”
  • “If I surrender quietly, will you let me ride in the tank?”
  • “You guys could at least wipe your feet.”
  • “If you think I was bad, wait until you try and establish a new government.”

02 March 2006

Its the troops, stupid...

The Bush Administration seems to be down to one major defense of the Iraq War - Support Our Troops. No matter what the substance of the criticism leveled against the war, "Support Our Troops" is the inevitable refrain. However, I must say that I don't quite understand the nuances and implications of this argument.

Maybe this issue has already been covered thoroughly, but I haven't heard it, at least not in a while. Namely, does the "Support Our Troops" argument imply that one must do so even if one disagrees with the war? The fact that conservative commentators and the Administration use this argument to respond to virtually all explicit and implicit criticism of the war would seem to suggest that indeed we must support our troops even if we are against the war. Furthermore, the argument strongly implies that insofar as dissent against the war amounts to an unpatriotic failure to support our military personnel, and insofar as such failure is wrong, then we must deduce that dissent against the war is wrong.

Well, if my premises are roughly correct, then this is certainly a nifty little logical trap that has been set for us. In sum, it means that one cannot be against the war, lest this person commit the treasonous act of "emboldening the enemy" and costing American lives. What a cute little maze of circular logic! The sad part is that I'm sure this counter-argument was thoroughly polled and focus-tested and apparently it performed particularly well (as did the mention of 9/11 in conjunction with defenses of the Iraq War). That it did so makes sense - who wants to appear to not care about our troops risking and losing their lives?

Quite frankly, the "Support Our Troops" argument, were it not inherently bullshit, would be totally brilliant.

P.S. The Johnson and Nixon Administrations used the same tired refrain during the late pre- and post-Tet Vietnam War period - that every time an editorial or young demonstrator voiced anti-war opinions, he or she was emboldening the Vietcong or NVA, and costing American lives.

06 January 2006

Wiretap me, please

This current domestic spying and wiretapping scandal has really made me step outside myself and observe my telephone conversations while they are occurring. I’ve been thinking of things to say to friends on the phone just in case I am being wiretapped. Here are a few I have tried:

  • Guess what! I think I figured out how to rewire my phone so that anyone listening will catch my syphilis
  • Osama and I are going out for beers and falafels later on
  • Hold on a minute – I got Dick Cheney on the other line asking for some weed.
  • What does a man have to do to get some Anthrax around here?!
  • Shhh! If you listen real closely, you can hear the wiretappers breathing.
  • The FBI is a bunch of pussies since J. Edgar Hoover died
  • Well, if Karl Rove thinks we’re having sex again, he’s crazy.
  • You know – since that one night at White Castle, Laura Bush keeps calling me, and the bitch won’t leave me alone
  • Give me a second – I’m just going to put these weapons of mass destruction back in the pantry.
  • Maybe it would be best to have this conversation in Arabic…
  • The FISA Court, huh? I spent a month there one night!
  • You didn’t hear?! Five minutes ago, Saddam Hussein escaped from prison!!!

George Will

I have to admit that I think I’m a George Will fan. Of course, his politics usually don’t sit right with me, but I appreciate his being so well-prepared and articulate, as well as his selective use of historical references in discussing current events. I suppose he can also be quite balanced in his viewpoints on occasion. I think he is just one of the very few conservative public figures in this country that doesn't make me feel ashamed.

In addition, he is the subject of one of my favorite Seinfeld quotes ever, which goes like this:

Jerry: Elaine and I were just discussing whether I could admit a man is attractive
Kramer: Hmm. Yeah. I’ll tell you who is an attractive man: George Will.
Jerry: Really?
Kramer: Yeah. He has clean looks, scrubbed and shampooed and…
Elaine: He’s smart.
Kramer: No, no, I don’t find him all that bright.

11 December 2005

Mr. Pryor

My obsession with Richard Pryor’s comedy started about five or six years ago, when I broke up with my girlfriend, and I was all fucked up. She was my first true love, and I didn’t stand a chance – immediately after the break-up, my doorbell rang. When I opened the door, depression was just standing there, smiling at me, flanked by two huge suitcases. The two of us spent the next two or three months in my house, in the middle of winter, listening to music, staring, and talking shop.

There are only two things that got me through, and slowly but surely kicked that motherfucker out of my house. The first was my cat. The other was Richard Pryor.

One night, I was downloading scores of depressing music from Napster, and, by chance, I happened to see a Pryor album in my search results. I hadn’t laughed in months, but I guess I was feeling open-minded (i.e., I was drunk), and I checked out the album (I think it was ‘Live on the Sunset Strip’). It was unreal. I spent an hour absolutely cracking up out loud (which I almost never do even when I’m in a good mood). Over the next few days, I either purchased or downloaded every one of Pryor’s albums.

I’m not going to try and explain the unqualified admiration, appreciation, and gratitude I have for Richard Pryor’s comedy. It would take too long, and having read a few of today’s articles reviewing his career and characteristics of his humor, it would probably be pretty boring.

Therefore, although I’m just one fan among millions, for whatever its worth, I am paying my respects to Richard Pryor.

06 December 2005

A galaxy far, far to the left

That which passes for the “far left” these days, particularly among our more conservative commentators, is totally out of control. I’ve heard this phrase applied to dozens of people and entities, such as Michael Moore, John Kerry, Cindy Sheehan, and several major newspapers, most notably the New York Times and Washington Post. Bill O’Reilly (probably the funniest man on television) throws the label “far left” around constantly. I realize the obvious (and quite pathetic) strategy and rationale behind this tactic, but can’t these guys just stick with referring to the opposition as “liberal,” instead of mixing everyone who doesn’t say merry fucking Christmas in retail stores into one gigantic mob? If I look over in my proverbial political foxhole and see Bill Clinton standing next to me, I’m going to freak. Please leave actual progressive thinkers out of this shit. Please.

I guess John Kerry resides on the “far left” of the political spectrum because he advocated for future negotiations in Iraq, smaller tax cuts, and abortion rights. Similarly, Michael Moore is clearly a pseudo-socialist due to his speaking out for revolutionary ideas such as labor unions, the lies behind the Iraq War, and gun control.

Wow – these are impressive left-wing credentials. Labor unions? Gun control? This is communism. Starve 180 pounds out of Michael Moore and slap a fake beard on him, and that motherfucker’s Ho Chi Minh. Give me a break. John Kerry is about as “far left” as Spiro Agnew.

If Michael Moore, John Kerry, and the New York Times represent the “far left” in the U.S. today, then where do I stand? Where do all my friends stand? Have we been pushed off the spectrum and relegated to the political “carport,” like small children at a family holiday dinner? Are we hanging off the edge of the U.S. political continuum, or have we simply fallen into political oblivion? Actually, my theory is that Karl Rove’s fat ass takes up so much space on the far right side of the spectrum that he pushed everyone over and knocked the far left contingent off the cliff.

16 October 2005

Say something sexy

Today, I got an e-mail message from an ex-girlfriend who moved far away months ago; we still talk and flirt all the time, and often engage in conversations of a sexual nature. Her message requested that I say something sexy – just something brief and sexy.

My mind went to work immediately and voraciously to tackle this remarkably complicated request. Here are some of the ideas I came up with:

  • I want you so badly that I’m considering getting out of bed.
  • C-Span is airing a discussion on sexual freedom and its making me think of you.
  • I recently had a role-playing fantasy in which I was Henry Kissinger
  • My double chin is starting to look like your ass
  • I still find your hairs all over my house – and I’ve been collecting them.
  • The constant rubbing together of my thighs makes me think of you
  • I’m dedicating my Ph.D. dissertation to your body.
  • I was thinking about you in the men’s room the other day…
  • I rarely wear underwear, and when I do, it’s usually something exotic.
  • I’m watching Star Trek right now and Riker is about to fuck some member of an alien androgynous species.
  • I not only changed my sheets two days ago, but even washed my duvet cover.
  • Since you left, I haven’t had any sex – by choice, mind you.

08 October 2005

The feline mystique

I don’t mean to turn this into a feline forum (though there is certainly enough material to do so), but I just adopted a new cat a couple of weeks ago, a female adult that I have named Bella. I’m a modern guy, and a feminist, but I have never in my life had a female pet before, and I didn’t realize that it takes some adjustments:

* I feel strange changing clothes in front of her. Asking her to leave (with a polite, ‘Could you please excuse me, dear?’) doesn’t work very well. I find myself wanting to leave the room to change. When she watches, I can almost hear her thinking, “Oh, yeah – that’s attractive.”

* My ‘pet names’ require a total retooling. Although ‘cutie’ is still appropriate, ‘handsome’ has lost its resonance, ‘big beast’ seems insulting, and I cannot quite bring myself to call my cat ‘beautiful’ – it seems a bit overdone, no? Maybe I will import ‘sweetheart’ into my repertoire, but I am really starting to fear my girlfriends noticing that I address them and my cat in the exact same terms. Moreover, I think Bella has been thinking the same thing, and it is an even more offensive thought to her.

* The bathroom is off-limits – period.

* For some reason, even when my cats aren’t fat, I call them fat, and doing that with a female may be risky, especially since Bella (aka Bella Reese) is, in fact, a whole lot of woman. I almost feel like she looks at me funny when I call her ‘chunky’ or ‘big mama.’ As if she is saying, “Excuse me, motherfucker?”

* When my male cats whined for whatever reason, I would ignore them and certainly never reinforce their whining by giving them what they were looking for. However, when Bella whines, I feel compelled to be an understanding man, hear her out, and show respect for her feelings and wishes, even though I’m well aware of the fact that she, just like my previous male cats, is pretty much saying, “Food, dickhead,” or “Pet me, hairless ape.”

* When I brush her, I feel like I have to be more careful and get things just right. She's sitting there and saying, "Look, big boy, I'm not one of these disheveled bitches you're always hanging around with." When I meekly say, "I'll try harder. I'm sorry," she replies, "I'm sorry too."

07 October 2005

Nine lives at once

A couple of months ago, my cat Iliad, whom I adored, was killed by a car in front of my house.

Its strange to lose a cat. When my previous cat, Custer, died, it was a different experience – I adopted him with kidney disease, and he was very old, surviving only three years in my care (three happy years, mind you). I still cry sometimes when I think about that cat, and I still miss him, even though he died 2-3 years ago. I cry because I think of how horribly defensive and timid he was when I got him, how he very slowly came to trust me (and even others), how sweet and unintrusive he was, and how I hope with every ounce of my being that he was as happy as possible during his tenure here, despite the gradual onset of kidney failure.

But Ili was different. Ili was young and vibrant, trusting of and affectionate towards all bipedal individuals, and I never had a single doubt that he was happy at all times. My house is pretty much a feline resort: unlimited food, the ability to go outside and return inside at any time, an owner who is almost always at home and willing to play/pet at any time, etc. And Ili took full advantage of all those features and amenities with a remarkable sense of non-presumptuous entitlement. He spent his whole life here either outside hunting and sensing or inside, on his back, getting pet by a man (i.e., me) who took great pains to try different strokes and tempos and remember what seemed particularly pleasurable. He was as happy and well-adjusted a cat as I’ve ever come across, he had no boundaries or defenses (I used to floss his teeth sometimes; I actually think he liked it), and I absolutely, unconditionally adored him.

And then, one day, I picked him up off the side of the road, totally mauled by a car, which caused injuries that I don’t care to describe. In front of 4-5 onlookers, who had stopped their cars and come out to help, I could not speak, and I was crouched over Iliad, all 6’5” 260 pounds of me, sobbing. He was lifeless. I had never seen him lifeless; even when he slept, he seemed active to me. There is something fundamentally wrong with seeing something so sweet and happy die. It is difficult to process; I still don’t quite understand what happened, even though I know perfectly well. Shit – it would be really nice to believe in heaven right now.

15 June 2005

Means of obstruction

From today’s NY Times:
President Bush spent Tuesday replenishing his party's coffers and, in the face of resistance to his Social Security plan and much of the rest of his second-term agenda, struck an aggressive new tone by accusing Democrats of standing for nothing but obstructionism

I don’t mean to be crude (sure I do), but kiss my ass Bush. Is crying ‘obstruction’ supposed to be some kind of pointed and considered political insult? Did Rove eat the latest focus group and polling results again? This is serious national politics, not a fucking rear windshield.

Yeah, uh, Bush, I don’t mean to be patronizing (sure I do), but this is indicative of what we Americans like to call a two-party system, and one party typically has different goals than the other. Moreover, the essence of your political agenda consists of tax cuts that disproportionately benefit upper-income families, privatizing the largest and most successful social program in the history of the world, appointing rather extreme right-wing individuals to federal positions, and launching pre-emptive attacks against weaker nations that refuse to concede to our wishes.

If ‘obstruction’ of this type of agenda represents some kind of politically risky move, then deal my fat ass in. According to Bush, the Democratic Leadership embodies "the philosophy of the stop sign, the agenda of the roadblock." That’s a sweet little sound byte, don’t you think? You know what? You’re right, Bush – we should stop hindering your efforts, and leave our fates in the capable hands of your palacial, imitation intellect.

17 May 2005

Insight into me

The other day I was talking to a friend who was excited about something, and I told her, "That enthusiasm in your voice is very unbecoming."

I love it when my social aptitude and graces shine through.

29 March 2005

Impressive

Apparently, even the Austrailians are starting to hate America. A poll conducted by the Lowy Institute for International Policy Research found that only 58 percent of Austrailians, long considered stalwart supporters of America, had a positive view of the United States.

Maybe its time for another invasion.

01 March 2005

Swings

Please let the baseball season begin now. Please don’t make me wait four weeks.

Life is better during the baseball season.

Is there anything more beautiful in sports than a batter, using that odd mixture of relaxed grace and frantic, opportunistic urgency, absolutely destroying a pitch? There is something about baseball that makes those moments truly fulfilling to everyone who sees them and appreciates them. I haven’t hit a true home run (i.e., hardball, organized game/league, against live pitching) since high school, but I remember every one I hit vividly and completely. And I can tell you that there is nothing I have done that has given me such concentrated satisfaction, pride, and exhilaration. It is as if everything I am worth, everything I am capable of, and everything I have in my heart and mind was on display in each of those swings I took, all of which took less than a second to execute. And when I see other people do the same, although it is not me doing it, the effect is so powerful that I feel it too. And sure – I’m living vicariously through other grown men playing a game while wearing sanitary socks, and yes I’m pathetically hanging on to high school sports memories, but shit – it is still sweet.

Baseball is one of those few things that represents a genuine American contribution to humanity. The history, the idiosyncratic rituals, the fat coaches, the spitting, the grass, the inactivity. Ah, the inactivity. It is truly lovely. From my experience, most people hate watching baseball, and the beauty of this is that anyone who loves watching baseball knows exactly why people hate it so much. It is a slow game that consists of extremely brief periods of action separated by long spells of total inactivity. And as such, it reminds me of my exercise regimen, as well as of my work habits and sex life.

16 January 2005

A Matter of Factor

I just saw something disturbing. Apparently, Bill O’Reilly, host of the Fox News program “The O’Reilly Factor,” has released a childrens’ book – “The O’Reilly Factor for Kids.” I cannot express how odd and troubling this book is to those of us who still cling to archaic ideas such as civility, intelligence, and the free exchange of ideas, but here are few sections of the book that I hear are particularly good:

  • Making sure your teacher isn’t homosexual; how to get homosexual teachers fired
  • How to start a movement to privatize your school lunch program
  • Increasing your allowance with tax cuts
  • Showing them who’s boss: dominating female classmates in gym class
  • Effective teasing of Arab-American classmates: a primer
  • The evidence suggesting that Santa Claus is actually President Bush
  • My two mommies: how to undermine your gay parents’ marriage
  • How to make a President Bush statue using popsicle sticks, glue, and glitter
  • Preparing for your military career during elementary school
  • Using recess time to fight terrorism: five simple steps
  • How to spot a liberal classmate in a playground environment
  • Investing your lunch money in a private Social Security account
  • Why you’re NOT – and never will be – left behind

21 November 2004

The means to nullify the ends

I dread the resumption of Congress in January. Republicans are already posturing, and promising to come out swinging with some legislation that is probably going to be one step away from medieval. I have one piece of advice for democrats in Congress –IMPEDE EVERYTHING. Fuck bipartisanship – you wouldn’t (and didn’t) get the same courtesy if you were in power. Make these people fight for every last inch.

In this spirit, I have come up with some suggestions for procedural changes aimed at hindering republican efforts in Congress to conservatize our nation.

  • Begin each day’s session with a round of calisthenics and agility drills
  • Replace the center aisle with a water slide
  • Require that members hula-hoop at all times while speaking at the podium
  • Permit hot-dog, beer, and souvenir vendors to circle chamber while in session
  • Instead of “yays” and “nays,” replace with “Fuck yeah!” and “Oh, hell no!”
  • Replace chamber desks with individual playground swings
  • Eliminate the committee system, and set up a Model UN
  • Include ass-paddling in swearing-in ceremonies of newly elected members
  • Determine office and seating arrangements by penis size
  • Install video games and porn-only web kiosks in cloak rooms
  • Remove restrictions on in-chamber towel-whipping, fighting, and body-checking \
  • Replace roll call votes with double-elimination thumb wrestling tournaments
  • Two words: powdered wigs
  • Install Yankee Stadium bleachers and fans in chamber to shout down legislation
  • End every day with bipartisan drum circles

19 November 2004

Is self-rule getting you down?

Is your nation having problems?

Are your leaders failing you? Are you annoyed at having your nation harbor pesky terrorists? Are you tired of being too irresponsible to even enrich uranium?

Then act now to get US assistance! Its our brand new “Express Governmental Overthrow and Restaffing Program,” a worldwide program to help sovereign nations help themselves. For a small fee (i.e., your entire infrastructure and the lives of thousands of military and civilian personnel), the United States will help you identify your troubles and remove them. Don’t get left behind! Become a born-again democracy by calling now!

We’re here to help, folks. Our techniques utilize the state of the art in military intervention and political subterfuge. We’ll fabricate your justification, administer your national elections, destroy and renovate your governmental buildings, and we’ll make sure that your new leaders are upstanding and responsible individuals.

We guarantee that you’ll see results within the 60-day presidential window granted by the War Powers Act of 1973. If you’re unsatisfied after that time, we’ll shell the city of your choice, and build you a brand new sewage system, both free of charge!

Just call us at 1-800-REBUILD, and get your nation moving in the right direction today.

But wait – there’s more! Call now and you’ll get a Paul Wolfowitz autographed poster, absolutely free! (While supplies last.)

17 November 2004

The distinguished gentleman from heaven has the floor...

Story in the NY Times today about how some democratic leaders are advocating that the party make efforts to organize the “religious left.” This is basically an attempt by the democrats, in the wake of a devastating election loss, to “demonstrate a greater friendliness to religious beliefs and even modestly soften its support for abortion rights.”

Oh yeah – that’s great. That’s exactly the type of thing that I want to hear right now. Let’s become more like republicans – that’s the ticket. Let's be more moral by backing off from our morals. That's courageous. Let's run away from gay marriage, despite the fact that it is the right thing to do. We lost by 3 percentage points - cancel Christmas and support discrimination! Fuck abortion rights - there are votes at stake here! As if supporting gay marriage and abortion rights is less 'friendly' towards religion. If that is actually the case (which it most certainly is not), then seriously - religion can go to hell, so to speak. I don't care if democrats lose the next 10 presidential elections. What are convictions worth if they're jettisoned for expediency's sake? Once again - weak, like clock radio speakers. There has to be a point at which beliefs trump political strategy.


Yes - I'm preaching, but I'm utterly annoyed. I'm annoyed that I have to listen to Bush for four more years - and in the prime of my life! Now, on top of that, while it is bad enough that many Americans seem to be equating religious convictions with the republican party, now democrats are trying to legitimize that viewpoint by co-opting it? Just saying something like that and having it reported goes a very long way towards reaffirming the connection between republicans and religion, a connection that is literally nothing more than the unfortunate result of a brilliant public relations ploy. Just 30 or 40 years ago, the democratic party was the party of religion. Since then, the republican party hasn’t changed much in substance (they're still a bunch of dicks), only in emphasis (they're just bigger dicks). If anything, the only significant change has been that democrats have become more like republicans (you get the parenthetical theme here).

Doesn’t that make people with religious convictions sound a little bit fickle? Did god switch sides of the aisle? If so, why? Was he against the Vietnam War? Did he get caught up in the Reagan revolution? Did he get tired of paying so many estate taxes (heaven is quite a bit of property, you know)? Please tell me only Joe Lieberman is behind all this.

Look - I respect people's beliefs, but in the context of politics, I feel like organized religion is on some kind of divine mission to ruin my what's left of my sanity. We are one step away from having our elected representatives claiming that their votes and views are dictated to them by god. We are one step away from hearing a senator announce that his top aides have actually met with god, and that god has approved this piece of legislation. Let’s get god an office in the Russell Senate Building, shall we? Better yet, let’s establish an ambassador to heaven positi
on. We can give the position to Ashcroft - I hear he's looking for work.

05 November 2004

Hopeful headlines

As a I sit here wondering how I can use my life to reverse this conservative trend in US politics before I die, I keep imagining all the newspaper headlines I’d like to see. Here are a few:

  • “Cheney’s daughter reported to be dating Ted Kennedy’s daughter”
  • "Karl Rove locked in limosuine and eats himself to death"
  • “Bush mauled by polar bear while surveying Alaska Wildlife Preserve”
  • "New study reveals that Attorney General Ashcroft is a virgin"
  • “God accuses Bush Administration of partisan politics”
  • “Army applies for Pell Grants to supply Iraq War front”
  • “Bush birth records reveal shocker: W. actually stands for ‘Womanizer’”
  • “Ashcroft announces subpoena of Allah; cites national security reasons” \
  • “Bush administration proposes privatization of federal government”
  • “Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge caught snorting Anthrax”
  • "Fetuses speak out against Bush administration"
  • “New tape: bin Laden refers to Laura Bush as ‘hot lips'”
  • “Evidence suggests that Karl Rove ate democratic voters in Florida; recount eminent”
  • “Defense Secretary Rumsfeld caught masturbating in Pentagon situation room”

03 November 2004

The Decision

I realize that I just spent the last 12 hours of my life watching the electoral equivalent of a full rectal examination. I feel like I just gave birth…to an accountant.

01 November 2004

Stuffing the ballot box in my mind

I am shitting bricks.
Well, I guess I shouldn't use that kind of language in this public forum.
Shitting rocks.

This is simplistic and unfair, but anybody who lives in Florida, Pennsylvania, Ohio, or a few other states, and DOESN'T vote tomorrow, should be shot. As an eternal realist, I will accept the unfortunate possibility of a Bush victory tomorrow, and I will likely accept it rather quickly. However, it will break my heart, and it will produce the same reaction as the first Bush victory, the same reaction as September 11, 2001 - sadness for America. I am not optimistic about Kerry's chances, but that is due less to his actual chances than to my modus operandi - prepare for the worst, hope for the best, eat everything in arm's reach.

Should Bush prevail tomorrow, I have two words for myself - comfort food.

29 October 2004

My Fox News Contribution

I’ve been watching a lot of the Fox News Channel throughout this campaign. If you can somehow remove your mind from the implications of what the people are actually saying, it is really some of the funniest material available on television. It is the kind of humor that doesn’t really make you laugh per se, but provides you with a constant and unending supply of snickers. I've decided that I want to be a Fox News editor, and I've been coming up with some possible headlines. Here are a few:

  • “New poll reveals that most Americans think Bush has bigger penis than Kerry”
  • “Bush campaign charges Kerry with ‘riling up good negroes in Florida’”
  • “Expert panel: stockpile of lost weapons in Iraq deemed small relative to all weapons on Earth”
  • “God campaigning for GOP in key senate races”
  • “Bush on cocaine use: ‘It gave me tax cut idea.’”
  • “GOP investigation links John Edwards to Al-Quaeda via online dating service”
  • “Computer model predicts that Kerry victory will cause catastrophic herpes outbreak”
  • “Photos reveals that Saddam Hussein wears pink jumpsuit underneath uniform”
  • “Republicans accuse Democrats of partisanship”
  • “Amid flu vaccine shortage, Bush urges Americans to ‘grab their balls’”
  • “New bin Laden tape: Osama calls Kerry ‘deliciously deceptive’”
  • “Study finds that Bush’s sperm count highest among 20th century presidents”
  • “Osama bin Laden and Tipper Gore – the secret love letters”

23 October 2004

I dream of Defense Secretaries

General election seasons pervade my entire mind. A couple of nights ago, I had a dream in which I was driving on a local road, and this silver car (very boxy model, like a Chrysler) totally cut me off and forced me to veer off the road and stop short on somebody’s lawn. The driver of the car stopped, rolled down his window, and it was Donald Rumsfeld.

He casually said, “Sorry, man.” And then he drove away.

22 October 2004

The Hunt for Red November

There is a story in the New York Times today about a recent photo-op/pseudo-event on the part of the Kerry folks – the story is called, “Kerry on Hunting Photo-op to Help Image.” Apparently, the Kerry campaign invited reporters to cover a goose hunting expedition, in which Kerry participated, in order to “deflect Mr. Bush's portrayal of Mr. Kerry as a weak-kneed liberal, and fit into a broader effort this week to show him as a "regular guy," drinking beer while watching baseball, and speaking in a folksier style.”

So let me get this straight. Kerry is trying to beef up his image as a tough guy by shooting birds? Birds? No offense, John boy, but when I think about courage and the relative strength of a person’s knees, the ability to track and kill fowl does not enter into the equation. Were these particularly aggressive and dangerous birds? Were they terrorists?


Also, while I am from the New York City area, and cannot say that my experience of American men is highly typical, I must say that in my view, “regular” men do not shoot birds. In my experience, irregular men shoot birds. Still, my narrow regionalism notwithstanding, listen – I drink, I adore baseball, and I speak my share of folk, but if the means by which one may appeal to men is by shooting fowl with a 12-gauge shotgun, I think that it is time that we, as men, re-examine the public perception of our leisure activities.

15 October 2004

Are you the singing Bush?

Anybody who is paying even a minimal amount of attention to the current campaign sees something quite disconcerting and almost spine-chilling about this election. However, I cannot seem to put my finger on it. Yes – our candidates are strikingly similar in a multitude of ways, they are slinging mud at each other constantly, they are both telling half-truths that happen to support their cases, and there is far more attention to relatively inconsequential aspects of the candidates rather than to the concrete issues at hand. The only problem is that this has been going on for years, and yet, something seems different this year. Here are a few examples of what I mean:

* In the second presidential debate, Bush called Kerry “the most liberal member in Congress,” and it was universally acknowledged as a political insult of sorts, meant to invoke a calculated negative response from voters. I have two problems here. First, the fact that liberalism is now considered a political liability for Democrats seems almost eerie. Second, the notion that John Kerry is the most liberal of the liberal, though untrue, makes me physically ill.

* What’s the story with Bush trying to bash Ted Kennedy? He’s pretty much approaching townsfolk and proclaiming, “I saw Goody Kerry with the devil!”

* The whole voting record accusation thing is out of control. Uh, Bush - there's a difference between 2004 and 1979, and there's a difference between being a senator and being president. Just for the record, John Kerry voted against freedom 16 times, he voted against morality 37 times, and he voted against trust in government 78 times. Now he’s changing his position!

* Is it me, or is Bush advocating that all our nation’s problems can be solved by issuing different types of identification cards? What’s next? Issuing ID cards to children in case they get left behind? No - let's issue ID cards to terrorists.

* We currently have a Democratic nominee for the presidency that strongly supports, and indeed has centered much of his campaign platform around tax cuts, military intervention and victory, and smaller government. Adlai Stevenson is rolling over in his grave right now.

* Bush’s little sinister laugh is freaking me out. It is the perfect mixture of hilarious and downright disturbing. I must wonder if the Bush campaign focused tested that laugh. If so, who did it test positively with? Comic strip villains? The all-powerful ‘dirty old men’ voting bloc?

* Someone pointed this out to me the other day, and was surprised I had never heard it before: George Bush looks like Alfred E. Neumann. This is the funniest thing I have heard all month. I can no longer look at Bush and not see this. Thus, if re-elected, I will have as my country’s leader – the man who dictates our foreign and domestic policy and is leading us into war – Alfred E. Neumann. As Richard Pryor once said, “I went to the White House. I met Reagan. We in trouble.”

* By far the most disturbing aspect of this campaign is my personal realization that there is a part of me that finds Laura Bush attractive.

14 October 2004

A new GOTV rock-bottom

I just officially bottomed out in my efforts to get some of my lethargic friends to vote in the upcoming general election.

After many months of persistent urging of a particular friend, I have resorted to making the act of voting more attractive by pointing out to a friend that doing so would permit him to use the "Revenge of the Nerds" quote, "We've got Bush. We've got Bush." while exiting the voting booth.

13 October 2004

Weak, like clock-radio speakers

Yesterday, I was listening to NPR, and someone was lecturing about America and how it needs to change. This person (can’t recall the name) was talking about how corporate interests dominate the policy and machinations of government, how mass media outlets that should be informing the electorate are increasingly owned by a few large companies, how campaigns are financed by external and special interests, etc., etc., etc. The crowd was more than willing to show their approval and support of his arguments constantly by means of warm, loud applause. These are the types of arguments that, in my view, are supported by the vast majority of American ‘democrats,’ and perhaps by the majority of Americans period. Find me a large mass of voters that advocate for concentration of media influence in a few corporate hands. Find me a mass that supports corporate influence in politics. I’ll tell you what you’ll find – a very small group of white men, with maybe a token minority or woman, all with the same haircut and roughly the same sense of style.

You can certainly find a load of supporters of free markets and small government, but nobody supports the dominance of corporations in government (you don’t necessarily need to tolerate the latter if you support the former), and almost everyone thinks things should change. Many people blame corporations, many people blame politicians. Many people say that they wish we had politicians and representative government that would change the negative aspects of this state of affairs, and blame those we currently have, who do not do so. This blame is valid, if not productive.

Yet the fact remains, it seems to me, that the people who WILL change things are right in front of us during every single modern presidential election campaign. Their names? Kucinich. Moseley-Braun. Nader. They are there for us. They say the types of things that we all want to hear, and judging by the applause they got during the last primary debates, they are right on target. They advocate for government pushing out special interests and corporate financiers. They promise universal health care, which most Americans support. They promise to regulate the media industry, and in general, to make decisions in the interests of the average American, rather than of corporations. And in contrast with John Kerry, George Bush, and anyone else who has a legitimate shot a nomination these days, they actually mean it.

So why does Dennis Kucinich travel to the Democratic National Convention every four years with barely enough earned delegates to split a taxi cab with? It is very odd to me that we as a country (at least most of us) want these things, and yet we continually fail to consider nominating and electing the people who will actually get them done. This goes for me too – I love and voted for Kucinich, I support almost every stance he takes on every issue, I would lay down in traffic for him if he were actually nominated for president, and yet I am willing to tolerate the fact that he has no shot at even double-digits in any given state primary. I lament this fact, but I tolerate it as the state of affairs in modern American politics.

So what is my point? That we are all WAY too tolerant of bullshit, and yet all too willing to accept our powerlessness. In addition, somewhat ironically, it is not the “system” that causes these problems. The system actually provides a choice. We simply don’t take it.

Unfortunately, these points are nothing short of the same old bullshit complaining that puts us here in the first place. And yet I cannot deny the fact that I myself have done nothing but feel some kind of fake superior insight into the problems at hand, which everyone is aware of anyway (thereby negating my original insight, and rendering me, as always, just like everybody else). Therefore, I have decided that, in 2008, I am going to actively campaign for Kucinich. I am going to get my share of doors slammed in my face, but women have been doing that to me for years, and I am quite used to it.

12 October 2004

Book Recommendation: Choosing War

Choosing War: The Lost Chance for Peace and the Escalation of War in Vietnam
By Fredrik Logevall
University of California Press
2001

This is the best Vietnam history book I have ever read, and I have read many of them. The focus is on the decisions made between August 1963 and February 1965 (called the ‘Long 1964’), and the primary thesis is that, contrary to much (but not all) of the literature on the topic, there was an opportunity to end the war and forego escalation during this time period, but it was more or less ignored by American policymakers, who made a conscious and in large part illogical decision to “Americanize” the war, a decision that culminated in the early months of 1965.

I will skip the specifics of the book, and instead focus this brief recommendation on my impressions. I find Logevall’s approach to be remarkably concise, comprehensive, and convincing. He examines the international as well as the domestic context in which decisions were made, and he does a fantastic job of examining all sides of the argument – all possibilities of interpretation of events.

My strongest assertion (and in my view, the strongest statement I can make) is that I have been a student of Vietnam War History for almost ten years, and this book changed my perspective permanently and in fundamental ways. The thesis that the war was not inevitable, but rather a result of conscious policy decisions despite the clear opportunity for negotiation and eventual withdrawal, is an argument that you always get the sense of in reading other historical works on the topic. However, I have always walked away from these other books with the impression that forces were nevertheless aligned against the Johnson Administration such that withdrawal was not a viable option. I am a very stubbornly skeptical person, but this book converted me. It has my unqualified recommendation, for whatever that is worth.

11 October 2004

George Ball is rolling over in his grave - Iraq and Vietnam

Despite a great deal of comparison coming from many sectors, Iraq is not Vietnam. There are too many fundamental differences between the two situations to draw any kind of overarching parallels. In Vietnam, the United States intervened in an explicit civil war between the communist north and the “democratic” south. Most of this effort, at least until very late in the war, was aimed at passifying the communist insurgents in the south – the so-called Viet Cong – rather than engaging in battles with the very large, motivated, and powerful North Vietnamese Army (NVA). There is no such national liberation movement in Iraq, the scale of the war effort is much smaller, and the geography is totally different. Thus, it can be effectively argued that the circumstances of the war – the logistics – are completely different. However, as a student of Vietnam War history – the parallels in terms of the political dimensions of the war are beyond disturbing.

1. Iraq may not be engaged in a explicit civil war, as were the Vietnamese (north and south) during the 1950’s and 1960’s, but the fact remains that factions within Iraq oppose the recognized (at least by us) government of their nation, and that these anti-government factions are fighting against an Iraqi state that maintains its war effort and political viability by means of U.S. aid, in the form of manpower, materiel, and money. We are propping up an administration that we favor by means of violence, and justifying it in terms of “spreading freedom.” Therefore, we are waging war in Iraq without a clear definition of victory, as we did (most explicitly) between 1965 and 1972 in Vietnam. We are passifying insurgents in Iraq in order to maintain the current political regime, as we did in support of Ngo Dinh Diem and his several successors in Saigon throughout the 1960’s. And once again, our political justification for doing so is the interests of “freedom” in Iraq and around the world, as well as, as a result, our own safety at home.


2. Just as we claimed to be – and actually were until the escalation starting officially in 1965 – merely assisting the South Vietnamese army (ARVN) fight their war against the National Liberation Front (NLF) or Viet Cong, we claim to be merely assisting the Iraqis fight a war that they want to fight against insurgents in their own country. However, in both cases, it is very clear that our assistance is far more akin to dominance than some kind of a secondary support role. Can we realistically frame this war in this fashion – as assistance of an effort that the Iraqis themselves want to carry out? Perhaps so, but the degree to which we emphasize the Iraqis as spearheads of the war effort, as we did in the case of the ARVN, is misleading at best.

3. We claim to be carrying out this war for the benefit of the Iraqi people, and yet their opinion of us as liberators, and our victory in the arena of their hearts and minds, is doubtful at best. Just as in Vietnam, we have ground troops fighting in an environment in which they cannot be sure who is their enemy, and many of the indigenous peoples, despite our role as “liberators,” are willing to die in order to drive us out. There is much evidence to suggest that we had more local support in South Vietnam than we currently maintain in Iraq. However, every day, we hear that the freedom that we are facilitating in Iraq is the purpose of the war, and that we are the liberators of the Iraqi people. Although war has historically been a necessary evil in the context of liberation, the American tendency to justify military intervention in terms of spreading freedom is definitely sounding quite hollow these days.

4. George Bush, like Lyndon Johnson and Richard Nixon, continually urges us to “stay the course,” and warns us that the battle will be long, difficult, and costly. He lashes out at dissenters and paints them as unpatriotic cowards, just as Johnson and Nixon did during the Vietnam War. And yet, the timetable for victory – in addition to the definition of victory – eludes us. We are told to stay the course until the end, but we are provided with little in terms of a definition as to what constitutes the end, and how we plan to attain those goals. In the meantime, Americans soldiers are dying at an increasing clip, Iraqi civilians are being needlessly killed by bombings and stray fire, and we and they are absorbing these most precious costs with only the assurance by the Bush Administration that we must persist in order to win.

5. Once again, as in Vietnam, we are fighting a war in a region where the insurgents have the distinct advantage in terms of intelligence and knowledge of the terrain, and we are using troops who know little or nothing about the culture to win the “hearts and minds” of the Iraqi people. In Vietnam, at least at first, while there was certainly suspicion of western nations and occupiers as a result of the long war with the French imperialists, there was not a majority anti-American sentiment per se. We are liberating a country that we have waged war against twice in the past 20 years, in a mideast political environment that is overwhelmingly anti-American. And we are doing so while simultaneously portraying this as an effort in the interests of the Iraqi people.

6. Although war in Vietnam was largely a foregone conclusion by 1964, the official, party-line justification for escalation was the Gulf of Tonkin incident in August 1964, and the subsequent congressional resolution authorizing the president to use whatever force necessary to stave of the communist aggression in South Vietnam. Even at the time, but certainly now, the validity of that justification has been largely discredited (the first attack on a US destroyer in the Gulf of Tonkin was provoked, and there is little evidence that the second attack ever occurred). Similarly, the WMD and Al-Quaeda ties justifications have almost no evidence in the case of Iraq. In both cases, there was the result of a congressional resolution supporting the use of force that received almost unanimous congressional support, and yet in both cases, both justifications turned out to be false and yet war continued. Are we ignoring the evidence now, as we did then? It seems fairly obvious to me that, at least to some extent, we are ignoring the facts in the Iraq case. How can we possibly continue to wage war when the justifications for that war have turned out to be false? Were the original justifications not the important ones? Why were they presented as such?

7. Despite mounting casualties, and the rate of these casualties on the rise every month, we hear the familiar refrain that we heard from LBJ, William Westmoreland, and the Johnson Administration: “Progress.” We are making progress, we are passifying resistance, we are bringing freedom to Iraq. The progress in Vietnam turned out to be in no small part illusory, and yet many of us fail to question this President in his assertions that we are moving in the right direction (although many of us, of course, are asking those questions, and asking them pointedly). Although I am heartened by the American people’s faith in government, I must question our lack of skepticism and our willingness to trust an administration that has very clearly misled us.

8. Just as we fought in Vietnam as an “episode” of the Cold War, we now fight in Iraq as an episode of the War on Terror. In both cases, it is good against evil. Just as Vietnam was generally argued by those in power to be a centerpiece – a vital area – in the Cold War, so is Iraq in the War on Terror. We justify a small war in terms of a larger war. And just as Vietnam was, as the years passed, painted more and more as a misallocation of Cold War force, Iraq has already very clearly been painted as a “diversion” from the War on Terror. The latter assertion may end up being judged by history as false, but the possibility remains.

9. Once the escalation of the Vietnam War had become a reality in early 1965, despite exhaustive efforts to build a coalition of nations aligned against communist aggression in South Vietnam, the US was left with just one true ally - Australia. Austrailia was the only nation willing to make only a token commitment of ground troops to the effort. Similarly, despite our best efforts and also despite the fact that a global coalition was a stated precondition for war in Iraq, the Bush Administration has failed to put together anything but a very marginal commitment from the global community, and the US continues to absorb the vast majority of the cost - in terms of blood and treasure - of the war. Once again, we are unilaterally taking military control of the situation in a foreign land, and once again we are doing so without anything resembling support from many of our closest allies.

Iraq is not Vietnam in any overarching sense of valid comparison. However, while the comparison may not be sufficiently valid to warrant the assertion of equivalency, this does not preclude the validity of similarities, just as it does not mean that the lessons of the Vietnam War do not apply to certain aspects of the Iraqi War. The lack of validity of a grand-level comparison means that we cannot say that since Vietnam was a mistake, as is generally acknowledged, Iraq is also a mistake. It does, however, mean that we can view the Iraq War in terms of certain aspects of that in Vietnam, and that we can justifiably apply many lessons learned from the latter to the former.

In my personal view, the mistake of Vietnam had immeasurably horrible consequences for American foreign policy, and perhaps more importantly, for the image of America in the minds of Americans, and for our participation in our system. Making that same mistake twice in the span of 50 years will accentuate this effect, perhaps drastically and in unforeseen ways. We are too good a people to let this happen. At least I hope we are.