Saddam's Final Words

Saddam Hussein was executed at 6:10am this morning (Iraqi time), only five days after losing his appeal. I think this execution (by hanging, no less) is appalling, unnecessary, and dangerous. But as usual, things are so bad in Iraq that the only way I can channel my outrage and sadness is with humor. So here are a few unrecorded things that I heard Saddam muttered before his death sentence was carried out:

• “And to think that my high school guidance counselor said I’d never amount to anything.”
• “Tell Bush that I’ve always loved him.”
• “It was my last dinner on Earth, and I can’t even get the kosher meal.”
• “Does this striped prison outfit make me look fat?”
• “If you commute my death sentence, I’ll tell you where I hid the WMD’s.”
• “After three years in prison, those 72 virgins had better be ready. How’s my hair?”
• “Don’t I get a phone call or something? How about a text message?”
• “If you guys kill me, you’re likely to lose a lot of those humanitarian awards.”
• “Wait! I was just bullshitting!”
• “You can’t win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.”
• “Tell Dick Cheney that he owes me 50 bucks, and that I'll see him in hell.”
• “My life just flashed before my eyes, and it was all to the music from 'Dark Side of the Moon.'”
• “Sic Semper Tyrannus! No, wait...fuck that.”
• “Is Christiane Amanapour here? I've got a thing for her.”
• “Oh, come on! They can't sell popcorn in here!”
• “By the way, I'm gay.”

The Lost Iraq Study Group Recommendations

After the release of the Iraq Study Group Report on Wednesday, I have come across some of the recommendations that were left out of the final version:

• Employ new terminology for phased redeployment strategy – call it “cut and paste”
• Send in Karl Rove to eat all the insurgents
• Channel violent energy of Iraqis into “Doom” video game and squeezable stress balls
• Convene Mideast peace conference with Israeli delegation sitting at table in the carport
• Boost domestic war support by planting and finding WMD’s under mattress in Saddam Hussein’s prison cell
• Arrange marriage of Bush daughters to Iranian Mullahs
• Increase independence from Mideast oil by developing hybrid tanks and war planes
• Just run without cutting
• Change U.S. army uniforms to burqas
• Send in Dick Cheney as an anger management consultant to mediate disputes
• Protect the sanctity of marriage, and everything else will fall into place

The Secret Bush Tapes

During lunch at a recent G8 summit meeting in Russia, President Bush was, unbeknownst to him, caught chatting informally with Tony Blair about the Middle East, the U.N., global trade talks, and miscellaneous other topics. Here are a few soundbytes that I heard were recorded:

• “Is there something in my teeth?”
• “I’ve had enough Euro-trash at this thing to last the rest of my term.”
• “Those really are fabulous window treatments.”
• “If I don't get to a bathroom soon there'll be an international incident.”
• “Tony – have you given any more thought to switching wives for a night?”
• “Have you heard the one about the Mullah, Emir, and Ayatollah who walk into a bar?”
• “Sometimes I just want to crawl under the table at these dinners and play for a while.”
• “So, Tony, about the war… Ah, fuck it – what’s for dessert?”
• “Ever wonder whether those Arab fellas are naked under those robes?”
• “What does the G in G8 stand for, anyway? Come to think of it, what does the 8 mean?”
• “You know – Kofi Annan really is a good-looking man.”
• “I have to go home soon or I’ll miss Gunsmoke.”
• “I told Condi to get her sweet tits over to Syria and make something happen!”
• “Do you dare me to throw this olive at Chirac?”
• “You know, I’ve never understood how if it’s the east, it can also be in the middle.”
• “I say Diet Coke and I get Coke. I think that waiter is a terrorist.”
• “Hey Tony, let's go lob a cherry bomb into the men's room at the Kremlin!”
• “There's just too much talking at these fuckin summits.”
• “What's the weed situation for after dinner?”

Saddam's last days

There’s a story in today’s NY Times about Saddam Hussein’s last days before capture. There is this remarkable detail that when he was caught, he was staying in some bunker or something in Tikrit, a ragged little place with a picture of Noah’s arc on the wall, and among his few belongings were a screwed up suitcase, some ragged clothing, and a heart-shaped clock.

A heart-shaped clock? A heart-shaped clock? The guy is wanted, dead or alive, by the most powerful military in the world, along with millions of enemies from his own country, he is moving from safe house to safe house, pursued by troops and heavy bombings of suspected hideouts, and he is running around with a heart-shaped clock? There had better be a shitload of sentimental value attached to that clock.

Anyway, this story, along with Saddam’s incredibly insane behavior and appearance during his trial, make me wonder what the first thing he said was upon being confronted by his captors. Here are a few possible theories I came up with:

• “Does one of you guys have a mint or something?”
• “No thanks. Not interested. Please remove me from your solicitation list.”
• “According to my heart-shaped clock here, you guys are about an hour early.”
• “Stop right there, and I’ll bring back the sun.”
• “Now take me to the Hague. Shotgun!”
• “Saddam Hussein? Who the hell is Saddam Hussein?”
• “Welcome! Come on in and make yourself at home; dinner is almost ready.”
• “Would you mind stopping at an ATM on the way back to base?”
• “Goddamnit! Always when I’m eating!”
• “Will you at least permit me the dignity of reattaching my mustache?”
• “He went that way! If you hurry, you can catch him!”
• “Don't come any closer! There's a WMD wired to this heart-shaped clock!”
• “Whatever Bush is paying you, I'll double it.”
• “I noticed that none of you guys is wearing proper body armor. Why is that?”
• “If I surrender quietly, will you let me ride in the tank?”
• “You guys could at least wipe your feet.”
• “If you think I was bad, wait until you try and establish a new government.”

Its the troops, stupid...

The Bush Administration seems to be down to one major defense of the Iraq War - Support Our Troops. No matter what the substance of the criticism leveled against the war, "Support Our Troops" is the inevitable refrain. However, I must say that I don't quite understand the nuances and implications of this argument.

Maybe this issue has already been covered thoroughly, but I haven't heard it, at least not in a while. Namely, does the "Support Our Troops" argument imply that one must do so even if one disagrees with the war? The fact that conservative commentators and the Administration use this argument to respond to virtually all explicit and implicit criticism of the war would seem to suggest that indeed we must support our troops even if we are against the war. Furthermore, the argument strongly implies that insofar as dissent against the war amounts to an unpatriotic failure to support our military personnel, and insofar as such failure is wrong, then we must deduce that dissent against the war is wrong.

Well, if my premises are roughly correct, then this is certainly a nifty little logical trap that has been set for us. In sum, it means that one cannot be against the war, lest this person commit the treasonous act of "emboldening the enemy" and costing American lives. What a cute little maze of circular logic! The sad part is that I'm sure this counter-argument was thoroughly polled and focus-tested and apparently it performed particularly well (as did the mention of 9/11 in conjunction with defenses of the Iraq War). That it did so makes sense - who wants to appear to not care about our troops risking and losing their lives?

Quite frankly, the "Support Our Troops" argument, were it not inherently bullshit, would be totally brilliant.

P.S. The Johnson and Nixon Administrations used the same tired refrain during the late pre- and post-Tet Vietnam War period - that every time an editorial or young demonstrator voiced anti-war opinions, he or she was emboldening the Vietcong or NVA, and costing American lives.

Wiretap me, please

This current domestic spying and wiretapping scandal has really made me step outside myself and observe my telephone conversations while they are occurring. I’ve been thinking of things to say to friends on the phone just in case I am being wiretapped. Here are a few I have tried:

• Guess what! I think I figured out how to rewire my phone so that anyone listening will catch my syphilis
• Osama and I are going out for beers and falafels later on
• Hold on a minute – I got Dick Cheney on the other line asking for some weed.
• What does a man have to do to get some Anthrax around here?!
• Shhh! If you listen real closely, you can hear the wiretappers breathing.
• The FBI is a bunch of pussies since J. Edgar Hoover died
• Well, if Karl Rove thinks we’re having sex again, he’s crazy.
• You know – since that one night at White Castle, Laura Bush keeps calling me, and the bitch won’t leave me alone
• Give me a second – I’m just going to put these weapons of mass destruction back in the pantry.
• Maybe it would be best to have this conversation in Arabic…
• The FISA Court, huh? I spent a month there one night!
• You didn’t hear?! Five minutes ago, Saddam Hussein escaped from prison!!!

George Will

I have to admit that I think I’m a George Will fan. Of course, his politics usually don’t sit right with me, but I appreciate his being so well-prepared and articulate, as well as his selective use of historical references in discussing current events. I suppose he can also be quite balanced in his viewpoints on occasion. I think he is just one of the very few conservative public figures in this country that doesn't make me feel ashamed.

In addition, he is the subject of one of my favorite Seinfeld quotes ever, which goes like this:

Jerry: Elaine and I were just discussing whether I could admit a man is attractive
Kramer: Hmm. Yeah. I’ll tell you who is an attractive man: George Will.
Jerry: Really?
Kramer: Yeah. He has clean looks, scrubbed and shampooed and…
Elaine: He’s smart.
Kramer: No, no, I don’t find him all that bright.