The means to nullify the ends

I dread the resumption of Congress in January. Republicans are already posturing, and promising to come out swinging with some legislation that is probably going to be one step away from medieval. I have one piece of advice for democrats in Congress –IMPEDE EVERYTHING. Fuck bipartisanship – you wouldn’t (and didn’t) get the same courtesy if you were in power. Make these people fight for every last inch.

In this spirit, I have come up with some suggestions for procedural changes aimed at hindering republican efforts in Congress to conservatize our nation.

• Begin each day’s session with a round of calisthenics and agility drills
• Replace the center aisle with a water slide
• Require that members hula-hoop at all times while speaking at the podium
• Permit hot-dog, beer, and souvenir vendors to circle chamber while in session
• Instead of “yays” and “nays,” replace with “Fuck yeah!” and “Oh, hell no!”
• Replace chamber desks with individual playground swings
• Eliminate the committee system, and set up a Model UN
• Include ass-paddling in swearing-in ceremonies of newly elected members
• Determine office and seating arrangements by penis size
• Install video games and porn-only web kiosks in cloak rooms
• Remove restrictions on in-chamber towel-whipping, fighting, and body-checking \
• Replace roll call votes with double-elimination thumb wrestling tournaments
• Two words: powdered wigs
• Install Yankee Stadium bleachers and fans in chamber to shout down legislation
• End every day with bipartisan drum circles

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The distinguished gentleman from heaven has the floor...

Story in the NY Times today about how some democratic leaders are advocating that the party make efforts to organize the “religious left.” This is basically an attempt by the democrats, in the wake of a devastating election loss, to “demonstrate a greater friendliness to religious beliefs and even modestly soften its support for abortion rights.”

Oh yeah – that’s great. That’s exactly the type of thing that I want to hear right now. Let’s become more like republicans – that’s the ticket. Let's be more moral by backing off from our morals. That's courageous. Let's run away from gay marriage, despite the fact that it is the right thing to do. We lost by 3 percentage points - cancel Christmas and support discrimination! Fuck abortion rights - there are votes at stake here! As if supporting gay marriage and abortion rights is less 'friendly' towards religion. If that is actually the case (which it most certainly is not), then seriously - religion can go to hell, so to speak. I don't care if democrats lose the next 10 presidential elections. What are convictions worth if they're jettisoned for expediency's sake? Once again - weak, like clock radio speakers. There has to be a point at which beliefs trump political strategy.

Yes - I'm preaching, but I'm utterly annoyed. I'm annoyed that I have to listen to Bush for four more years - and in the prime of my life! Now, on top of that, while it is bad enough that many Americans seem to be equating religious convictions with the republican party, now democrats are trying to legitimize that viewpoint by co-opting it? Just saying something like that and having it reported goes a very long way towards reaffirming the connection between republicans and religion, a connection that is literally nothing more than the unfortunate result of a brilliant public relations ploy. Just 30 or 40 years ago, the democratic party was the party of religion. Since then, the republican party hasn’t changed much in substance (they're still a bunch of dicks), only in emphasis (they're just bigger dicks). If anything, the only significant change has been that democrats have become more like republicans (you get the parenthetical theme here).

Doesn’t that make people with religious convictions sound a little bit fickle? Did god switch sides of the aisle? If so, why? Was he against the Vietnam War? Did he get caught up in the Reagan revolution? Did he get tired of paying so many estate taxes (heaven is quite a bit of property, you know)? Please tell me only Joe Lieberman is behind all this.

Look - I respect people's beliefs, but in the context of politics, I feel like organized religion is on some kind of divine mission to ruin my what's left of my sanity. We are one step away from having our elected representatives claiming that their votes and views are dictated to them by god. We are one step away from hearing a senator announce that his top aides have actually met with god, and that god has approved this piece of legislation. Let’s get god an office in the Russell Senate Building, shall we? Better yet, let’s establish an ambassador to heaven position. We can give the position to Ashcroft - I hear he's looking for work.

Hopeful headlines

As a I sit here wondering how I can use my life to reverse this conservative trend in US politics before I die, I keep imagining all the newspaper headlines I’d like to see. Here are a few:

• “Cheney’s daughter reported to be dating Ted Kennedy’s daughter”
• "Karl Rove locked in limosuine and eats himself to death"
• “Bush mauled by polar bear while surveying Alaska Wildlife Preserve”
• "New study reveals that Attorney General Ashcroft is a virgin"
• “God accuses Bush Administration of partisan politics”
• “Army applies for Pell Grants to supply Iraq War front”
• “Bush birth records reveal shocker: W. actually stands for ‘Womanizer’”
• “Ashcroft announces subpoena of Allah; cites national security reasons” \
• “Bush administration proposes privatization of federal government”
• “Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge caught snorting Anthrax”
• "Fetuses speak out against Bush administration"
• “New tape: bin Laden refers to Laura Bush as ‘hot lips'”
• “Evidence suggests that Karl Rove ate democratic voters in Florida; recount eminent”
• “Defense Secretary Rumsfeld caught masturbating in Pentagon situation room”

The Decision

I realize that I just spent the last 12 hours of my life watching the electoral equivalent of a full rectal examination. I feel like I just gave birth…to an accountant.

Stuffing the ballot box in my mind

I am shitting bricks.
Well, I guess I shouldn't use that kind of language in this public forum.
Shitting rocks.

This is simplistic and unfair, but anybody who lives in Florida, Pennsylvania, Ohio, or a few other states, and DOESN'T vote tomorrow, should be shot. As an eternal realist, I will accept the unfortunate possibility of a Bush victory tomorrow, and I will likely accept it rather quickly. However, it will break my heart, and it will produce the same reaction as the first Bush victory, the same reaction as September 11, 2001 - sadness for America. I am not optimistic about Kerry's chances, but that is due less to his actual chances than to my modus operandi - prepare for the worst, hope for the best, eat everything in arm's reach.

Should Bush prevail tomorrow, I have two words for myself - comfort food.