Wiretap me, please

This current domestic spying and wiretapping scandal has really made me step outside myself and observe my telephone conversations while they are occurring. I’ve been thinking of things to say to friends on the phone just in case I am being wiretapped. Here are a few I have tried:

• Guess what! I think I figured out how to rewire my phone so that anyone listening will catch my syphilis
• Osama and I are going out for beers and falafels later on
• Hold on a minute – I got Dick Cheney on the other line asking for some weed.
• What does a man have to do to get some Anthrax around here?!
• Shhh! If you listen real closely, you can hear the wiretappers breathing.
• The FBI is a bunch of pussies since J. Edgar Hoover died
• Well, if Karl Rove thinks we’re having sex again, he’s crazy.
• You know – since that one night at White Castle, Laura Bush keeps calling me, and the bitch won’t leave me alone
• Give me a second – I’m just going to put these weapons of mass destruction back in the pantry.
• Maybe it would be best to have this conversation in Arabic…
• The FISA Court, huh? I spent a month there one night!
• You didn’t hear?! Five minutes ago, Saddam Hussein escaped from prison!!!

George Will

I have to admit that I think I’m a George Will fan. Of course, his politics usually don’t sit right with me, but I appreciate his being so well-prepared and articulate, as well as his selective use of historical references in discussing current events. I suppose he can also be quite balanced in his viewpoints on occasion. I think he is just one of the very few conservative public figures in this country that doesn't make me feel ashamed.

In addition, he is the subject of one of my favorite Seinfeld quotes ever, which goes like this:

Jerry: Elaine and I were just discussing whether I could admit a man is attractive
Kramer: Hmm. Yeah. I’ll tell you who is an attractive man: George Will.
Jerry: Really?
Kramer: Yeah. He has clean looks, scrubbed and shampooed and…
Elaine: He’s smart.
Kramer: No, no, I don’t find him all that bright.