bin Laden drops a new album

So, Osama bin Laden dropped a new tape this week. The U.S. intelligence apparatus is currently checking it for intelligence value, digitally remastering the soundrack, and playing it backwards in case there are hidden messages. I have managed to get my hands on the tape prior to its release, and here are some of the direct quotes in the new Osama bin Laden tape:

• “America is nothing but a big airport men’s room with tapping little girl legs.”
• “We’re just chillin’, kicking it. Hit up a bar mitzvah and after-party. You know.”
• “If we don’t follow you home, you will fight us here in Iraq. ”
• “Just to end speculation – I am, in fact, free-balling under this robe.”
• “I’ll be on ‘Hannity and Colmes’ next week, and then Oprah. And I’m blogging.”
• “Good evening, my fellow Islamo-fundamentalist jihado-terrorist fascists ”
• “I haven’t had a woman in so long, that my dick looks like a foot.”
• “I’ll give America one thing: Laura Bush is HOT.”
• “My forces are training hard on playground equipment to kill you.”
• “I’m a cowboy. On a steel horse I ride. I’m wanted… dead or alive.”

Like a scandal in the wind

Over the past week, Alberto Gonzales resigned, Larry Craig went manhunting in a public men's room, and Karl Rove has officially stepped down under a cloud of suspicion that could cover a hundred people (so long as one of them isn't him). I am almost frightened of what might come next.

Here are some possible scandals that I foresee arising prior to the 2008 general election:

• New tape shows Giuliani on 9/11 “screaming like a bitch”
• Cheney caught masturbating in WH hallway in front of Reagan portrait
• Staffer says Karl Rove ate his e-mail files instead of surrendering them
• Medical evidence indicates that John McCain has been dead for over a year
• In interview, Bush refers to Barack Obama as “Macaca Osama”
• Bill Clinton donates his penis to the Bush Presidential Library
• Probe reveals that four GOP senators hired Cub Scouts as staff
• Romney’s wife addresses polygamy issue: “this good thing's plenty”
• Rupert Murdoch acquires Al Jazeera – says “nothing will change”
• Ex-Attorney General Alberto Gonzales deported
• Internal Defense Memo: “surge plan” based on G.I. Joe episode
• Leaked first draft of Petraeus Report written in crayon
• Fred Thompson calls Hillary and Democratic candiates "a steer and nine queers"