MEMO|RANDOM|: Religion

My brain is extremely fertile ground, but I have planted tobacco on it.

Almost every day, usually while walking my dog, I come up with at least 10-15 stupid little thoughts or rhetorical questions that I want to share with others. Two days ago, I began recording these ideas so as not to forget them. I have decided that I am going to start relaying them thematically (motivation permitting). I am calling these installments MEMORANDOM, because I like assigning titles to things (my runners-up were "Fear-reviewed Journal" and "Eat the Press").

My theme for today is religion. I apologize if some of these are stupid. Sometimes, I can't tell. In the interests of full disclosure, I am an atheist.

• I think we should make an effort to learn more about middle-eastern humor by learning all their good "Imama jokes."
• Are there any creationist monkeys?
• If Jesus was resurrected, I don't understand how he died for our sins.
• In Russia, when Bush looked into Vladimir Putin's eyes and "saw his soul," was Putin's soul wearing one of those fur hats?
• If you're "born again," doesn't this imply that your previous life was aborted?
• I think I want to start a prayer rhombus.
• I hear a lot of talk about "god's will." Are Mary and Joseph written into it?
• The 11th Commandment is: "Certain restrictions apply."
• How did the "intelligent designer" design a brain without using one?
• When a Sunni Muslim hates you, it means you're on his "Shi-ite list."
• Christians should start a new campaign to appeal to teenagers. The slogan should be: "You know how Jesus do!"
• Is there a sin tax in Vatican City?
• In French, the word for Zion is "Jew d'etat."
• Does the Dalai Lama listen to Nirvana?

Immidebation

The immigration debate in the U.S. is a wonderful mixture of prejudice and righteousness that is the hallmark of this nation's racial discourse. Once again, there is a "crisis" from a situation that has not changed in decades, and once again, we seem to be defining our enemies along racial and ethnic lines.

If I were Mexican, I might be a little offended by some of the rhetoric coming from this "debate." Better yet, if I were the Mexican president, here are some of the things I would consider doing just to spite the U.S. "anti-immigration" advocates:

• Institute a "guest employer program" for U.S. corporations relocating to Mexico
• Post Mexican border patrol guards directly across the line from the U.S. guards
• Create a giant welcome mat that runs the entire length of the border
• Run advertisements by Mexican travel agencies selling U.S. vacations dirt cheap
• Publicly speculate as to whether Native American Indians had an immigration debate
• Generate fake videos of white U.S. citizens jumping the border into Mexico
• Build a one-foot wall along the border
• Announce government program to create "tamper-proof" fake U.S. visas
• Forge records providing evidence that Lou Dobbs is a distant relative of Santa Ana
• Pass "Spanish-only education" laws for Mexico's public schools
• Establish the Vicente Fox News Channel, and constantly criticize the U.S. on its shows
• Open luggage stores and currency exchange booths right near border checkpoints