Citing Downturn, Al-Qaeda to Lay Off 5,000 Terrorists

Citing the global financial crisis and lower-than-expected fourth quarter earnings, Al-Queda announced today that it will lay off roughly 5,000 workers from its Waziristan location, with the cuts concentrated in the terrorist organization's customer service and e-commerce divisions.

In an official press release, AQ's Chief Financial Officer noted that the worldwide economic crisis has increased the cost of core goods such as dirigibles. However, he emphasized that the primary cause of Al-Queda's financial problems are skyrocketing costs of members' pension benefits.