MEMO|RANDOM|: Christmas/Holidays

I've been absent for a while because, as of two days ago, I'm "Fat with a Ph....D."

Coming off my hiatus, here is a new set of random thoughts, with a holiday theme.

• I'm going to filibuster my New Year's resolution.
• Doesn't Santa annually violate our immigration laws?
• Christmas should buy Hanukah and re-tool it.
• Before I die, Santa's workshop will be based in China.
• If there's really a "War on Christmas," trees will side with our enemy.
• When Santa visits our troops in Iraq, Blackwater is doing the security.
• The song "White Christmas" is racially insensitive.
• Holiday shopping benefits the Christ-Industrial Complex.
• Is there some breed of mistletoe that gets you laid?
• Does Mrs. Claus find the term "ho" offensive?
• I heard the Grinch is now affiliated with al-Quaeda.
• Putting gifts under our trees is a relic of our evolution from small rodents.

Romney's Mormon Speech Outtakes

Today, Mitt Romney gave a much-hyped speech about his Mormon faith as it relates to his candidacy for President. Here are some excerpts from the speech that didn't make it into the final draft:

• "Its actually pronounced 'more man.' "
• "I pledge to you - as do all my first ladies - that religion will not matter."
• "We're sorry about all the door-knocking! Have you ever tried to live in Utah?"
• "The Book of Mormon is not what it sounds like. Its just a cookbook."
• "Would you prefer I were Jewish?"
• "No booze, masturbation, or premarital sex? Fuck it - I deserve to be President."
• "Learn about Mormonism before judging me... No, that would just fuck everything up even more."
• "Polygamy is how I keep myself from coveting thy neighbor's wife. Thine too."
• "Mormonism is no more ridiculous than Christianity, people."
• "Don't knock polygamy until you try it, fellas. Every day is Christmas."
• "Fuck religion - have you seen my hair?"

MEMO|RANDOM|: Republican Politics

Here is a couple of days worth of observations about politics and the Republican Party:

• The War on Terror should be renamed the "Petrolympics."
• When Osama bin Laden and his aides are sitting around watching television and Bush comes on, do you think they talk shit to the screen?
• I would start a campaign to restore privacy rights, but I'm afraid they'll check my background.
• There is a guaranteed method of winning every political argument. At the end of your sentence, add "in a post-9/11 world."
• Somebody should wiretap the NSA.
• Both parties have have adopted modifications of the "cut and run" strategy and rhetoric. The Republican strategy is now "cut and gun." The Democrats' is "cut and paste."
• If we extend the metaphor, the Bush Cabinet is full of tupperware and those mugs that, when you pour liquid in them, the person's clothes disappear.
• Every once in a while, Bush turns to his closest aides and says, "Can you fucking believe that I'm president?"
• I heard a rumor that Dick Cheney dodged his fantasy football draft.
• We should start a "War on Overconfidence."
• I love how we're fighting "al-Qaeda in Iraq." Is that like "NFL Europe?"

MEMO|RANDOM|: Religion

My brain is extremely fertile ground, but I have planted tobacco on it.

Almost every day, usually while walking my dog, I come up with at least 10-15 stupid little thoughts or rhetorical questions that I want to share with others. Two days ago, I began recording these ideas so as not to forget them. I have decided that I am going to start relaying them thematically (motivation permitting). I am calling these installments MEMORANDOM, because I like assigning titles to things (my runners-up were "Fear-reviewed Journal" and "Eat the Press").

My theme for today is religion. I apologize if some of these are stupid. Sometimes, I can't tell. In the interests of full disclosure, I am an atheist.

• I think we should make an effort to learn more about middle-eastern humor by learning all their good "Imama jokes."
• Are there any creationist monkeys?
• If Jesus was resurrected, I don't understand how he died for our sins.
• In Russia, when Bush looked into Vladimir Putin's eyes and "saw his soul," was Putin's soul wearing one of those fur hats?
• If you're "born again," doesn't this imply that your previous life was aborted?
• I think I want to start a prayer rhombus.
• I hear a lot of talk about "god's will." Are Mary and Joseph written into it?
• The 11th Commandment is: "Certain restrictions apply."
• How did the "intelligent designer" design a brain without using one?
• When a Sunni Muslim hates you, it means you're on his "Shi-ite list."
• Christians should start a new campaign to appeal to teenagers. The slogan should be: "You know how Jesus do!"
• Is there a sin tax in Vatican City?
• In French, the word for Zion is "Jew d'etat."
• Does the Dalai Lama listen to Nirvana?

Immidebation

The immigration debate in the U.S. is a wonderful mixture of prejudice and righteousness that is the hallmark of this nation's racial discourse. Once again, there is a "crisis" from a situation that has not changed in decades, and once again, we seem to be defining our enemies along racial and ethnic lines.

If I were Mexican, I might be a little offended by some of the rhetoric coming from this "debate." Better yet, if I were the Mexican president, here are some of the things I would consider doing just to spite the U.S. "anti-immigration" advocates:

• Institute a "guest employer program" for U.S. corporations relocating to Mexico
• Post Mexican border patrol guards directly across the line from the U.S. guards
• Create a giant welcome mat that runs the entire length of the border
• Run advertisements by Mexican travel agencies selling U.S. vacations dirt cheap
• Publicly speculate as to whether Native American Indians had an immigration debate
• Generate fake videos of white U.S. citizens jumping the border into Mexico
• Build a one-foot wall along the border
• Announce government program to create "tamper-proof" fake U.S. visas
• Forge records providing evidence that Lou Dobbs is a distant relative of Santa Ana
• Pass "Spanish-only education" laws for Mexico's public schools
• Establish the Vicente Fox News Channel, and constantly criticize the U.S. on its shows
• Open luggage stores and currency exchange booths right near border checkpoints

The George W. Bush Presidential Library

It is not uncommon for presidents to begin planning their libraries before they leave office. They are very concerned - rightfully so - about their "legacies." As for George W. Bush, he's fighting a whole war just for his legacy, so planning his library seemed a natural extension. Bush seeks to balance armed invasion and occupation with reading. He's a multidimensional guy.

I was recently given a virtual tour of the planned George W. Bush Presidential Library and Funcenter, and it is a colossus. I share this tour with my reader(s).

Before you enter the library, you must of course remove your shoes and surrender any gels or liquids you have, before passing through metal detectors and a round of political interrogation (its not as bad as it sounds). As for "logistical" details, admission price is reduced for patriots, and the "family value" rate gets your whole tribe in very cheap. Admission is tax deductible. The library will also feature "privatized public restrooms."

When you finally make it in, you enter the grand "Lobbyists Lobby," the centerpiece of which is a giant statue of Bush himself, modeled after Rodin's "The Thinker." From this monumental lobby, there are numerous options for the serious adult visitor as well as for the kids. However, families who wish to spend part or all of their time in the library without their kids can leave them at the "Children Left Behind Childcare Center."

Alternatively, there are plenty of options for the kids to have some good old fashioned fun in the Bush Library. Families can take their kids to the gigantic indoor Black Water Park, which features such water rides as the "Gay Marriage Slippery Slope," the "Swift Boat Water Slide," and the "Hurricane Katrina Wave Pool." There is also a puppet show, performed every two hours by Karl Rove. The most popular attraction for underage visitors, however, is the huge Sports Complex, including the "Slam Dunk Basketball Court," the "Stay the Course Miniature Golf Range," and the "Last Throws Horseshoe Competition."

For adults, the choices are equally diverse and appealing. The most controversial exhibit is, of course, the Iraq War Exhibit, which the library's designers will purposefully leave largely unfinished, and fill in the exhibit's historical details over the next 10-30 years of the war. Upon opening, though, the exhibit will still be impressive, and it will include an actual piece of Saddam Hussein's ass, a "Find the WMD's Hedge Maze," and a large statue of General Petraeus done in the classical Greek style. Immediately upon entering the Iraq War exhibit, Iraqi children throw flowers and cheer visitors, while simultaneously, the number "9/11" flashes in a strobelight-like fashion all over the room.

Visitors may continue from the war exhibit to Oval Office Replica, a very popular attraction at most presidential libraries, since all presidents customize the aesthetics and functionality of the Oval Office to fit their own work habits and personality. The Bush Oval Office is no exception. For example, the president's desk will be a perfect replica of its current configuration, including a Pez dispenser, the phone-a-prompter (for scripting the president's phone calls), and a Magic 8-Ball. The office also includes an arts and crafts area for the president's relaxation, a "Rove Alcove" where the assistant used to work, a Fox News ticker, and a cotton candy machine.

Visitors may also take a look at the Dick Cheney Memorial Wing, which is located 1/2 mile underground, and includes a "Terrorist Shooting Range." If all the fascination and activity in the library make visitors hungry or thirsty, there is a "Cakewalk Snack Shop," which serves such selection as Grilled Chickenhawk sandwiches with a side of S-Chips and, for the refined customer seeking an after-dinner cocktail, a glass of Dubai Port. For dessert, you can enjoy treats such as the Tony Snowcone and Yellowcake.

When all is said and done, visitors are encouraged to check out the colossal Gift Shop, which is hosted by WalMart. There are too many interesting commemorative gifts to list, but they include the Abu Ghreib photo postcard book, a house doormat that says "We greet you as a liberator," The color-coded terrorist alarm clock radio, and a pocket-sized Bible/Constitution.

Library planners tell me that some "elite intellectual" or "liberal media" types may be wondering about the centerpiece of all existing presidential libraries - the documents collections. However, the Bush Library will not be providing such materials to the public, as they are all either classified or relevant to ongoing federal investigations (there is, however, a comic book reading room). The library also passed on the standard "oral histories" collections, because, they said, it "sounds too gay."

Still - the virtual tour of the library was a stunning experience, providing real insight into this palacial, imitation leader. I am also told that, once the library opens, the words and movements of every visitor will be recorded and given to them when they leave the library, along with a "Terrorist or Patriot Scorecard" based on their behavior within the library (kicking the piece of Saddam's ass apparently earns you big patriot points).

Because of this and everything else the library will offer, it is safe to say that admission "will pay for itself."

Fretting the agenda

Maybe this is a cliche, but facts don’t matter too much in U.S. politics. This is essentially possible because individuals will consider facts to be of secondary importance when those facts don’t match their worldviews and premises. This is normal - to an extent. But the image/substance distinction is becoming a thing of the past. Although this is a bipartisan phenomenon, it is the core of Republican strategy, as well as the reason for their success. I understand that people disregard facts when they don’t match their worldview – I do it myself sometimes. But are we really so stupid and devoid of thoughtfulness that even the most obvious facts can be disregarded? Consider these core Republican arguments:

• The jury is still out on the theory of evolution.
• Republicans are for small government.
• Public assistance increases poverty.
• Gun ownership decreases crime.
• The Republicans are the party of family values, religion, and morals.
• Democrats are “elite snobs” with contempt for ordinary Americans.
• Opposing (or even questioning) the war is unpatriotic and “anti-troops.”
• Gay marriage threatens everyone else’s marriage.
• If Congress cuts war funding, our troops will be defenseless.
• Affirmative action is unjust racial discrimination.

These are not arguments, like abortion, that are subject to debate and personal opinion. Nor are these even bullshit arguments, such as the "liberal media bias," that are impossible to disprove. These are – there is no other way to put it – lies. Most of them are obscene lies. Besides being untruthful, they are all simply tools to increase (or stabilize) Republican power and support by setting, both directly and indirectly, the premises and agenda of public political discourse.

So, in the spirit of competition, I think it is high time that we as progressives fight back and establish our own premises, and so here are my proposals for the Democratic “talking points” throughout the 2008 election campaign:

• Republicans hate the terrorists because the terrorists hate our freedom, but freedom hates Republicans because they hate terrorists.
• Heterosexual marriage is a threat to gay divorce.
• The science on the earth being round is questionable, and so if the terrorists try to “follow us home” after an Iraq withdrawal, they might fall off the planet.
• School vouchers are just food stamps with a fancy wrapper.
• Social Security is an incentive against suicide bombers.
• The second amendment is only the right to wear short sleeves.
• Tax cuts are strongly favored in the Koran.
• Republicans doubt evolution because it doesn't affect them.
• School prayer is a slippery slope towards school prayer five times a day.
• Federal spending helps the economy, because the government goes shopping.

bin Laden drops a new album

So, Osama bin Laden dropped a new tape this week. The U.S. intelligence apparatus is currently checking it for intelligence value, digitally remastering the soundrack, and playing it backwards in case there are hidden messages. I have managed to get my hands on the tape prior to its release, and here are some of the direct quotes in the new Osama bin Laden tape:

• “America is nothing but a big airport men’s room with tapping little girl legs.”
• “We’re just chillin’, kicking it. Hit up a bar mitzvah and after-party. You know.”
• “If we don’t follow you home, you will fight us here in Iraq. ”
• “Just to end speculation – I am, in fact, free-balling under this robe.”
• “I’ll be on ‘Hannity and Colmes’ next week, and then Oprah. And I’m blogging.”
• “Good evening, my fellow Islamo-fundamentalist jihado-terrorist fascists ”
• “I haven’t had a woman in so long, that my dick looks like a foot.”
• “I’ll give America one thing: Laura Bush is HOT.”
• “My forces are training hard on playground equipment to kill you.”
• “I’m a cowboy. On a steel horse I ride. I’m wanted… dead or alive.”

Like a scandal in the wind

Over the past week, Alberto Gonzales resigned, Larry Craig went manhunting in a public men's room, and Karl Rove has officially stepped down under a cloud of suspicion that could cover a hundred people (so long as one of them isn't him). I am almost frightened of what might come next.

Here are some possible scandals that I foresee arising prior to the 2008 general election:

• New tape shows Giuliani on 9/11 “screaming like a bitch”
• Cheney caught masturbating in WH hallway in front of Reagan portrait
• Staffer says Karl Rove ate his e-mail files instead of surrendering them
• Medical evidence indicates that John McCain has been dead for over a year
• In interview, Bush refers to Barack Obama as “Macaca Osama”
• Bill Clinton donates his penis to the Bush Presidential Library
• Probe reveals that four GOP senators hired Cub Scouts as staff
• Romney’s wife addresses polygamy issue: “this good thing's plenty”
• Rupert Murdoch acquires Al Jazeera – says “nothing will change”
• Ex-Attorney General Alberto Gonzales deported
• Internal Defense Memo: “surge plan” based on G.I. Joe episode
• Leaked first draft of Petraeus Report written in crayon
• Fred Thompson calls Hillary and Democratic candiates "a steer and nine queers"
  
  

xoxoxo, Karl

Today, the Judiciary Committee once again demanded Karl Rove's e-mail records regarding his role in the Justice Department U.S. Attorneys firings scandal. I was able to get my chubby little fingers on a few snippets from Rove's e-mail file, and here they are:

• “DAMN! I wish these chat room hoes would back up off me!”
• “Attached please find my soul – in MS Access format.”
• “The IT guys finally installed the ‘Perjury Check’ feature on my e-mail client.”
• “I think somebody recognized me in my J-Date profile. Please advise.”
• “The election is tomorrow, and I just can’t seem to stop playing Minesweeper.”
• “OMG! I am SO bored today!!!!!”
• “All this NSA wiretap data is really stressing my hard drive space.”
• “Ever see that YouTube video of the fat girl falling off the motorcycle? LOL!”
• “Are these e-mail offers for Viagra legitimate? Are orders secure?”
• “Gotta go – Mitt Romney promised to help find me a wife, and we’re going out.”
• “I fought the Iraq War in an online gaming community, and I think we can win!”
• “I accidentally ate my mouse yesterday, and frankly – it wasn’t bad.”
• “I could stare forever at that screensaver where you move through outer space.”
• “We’re working on a new program with ‘one-click’ firing of U.S. attorneys.”

War and Peace

It has been exactly a year since I got Nina, my dog. She is a 3-year old yellow lab, and we are now interdependent habitually, physically, and emotionally. I am slightly uncomfortable when she is not with me. However, when I first got Nina, the peace negotiations between Nina and my cat, Bella, were touch-and-go for a few weeks. The first time Nina saw the cat, she freaked (they both did). For the first month or so, I blocked off my house at the midpoint – the cat had one half, the dog had the other half, and I had nothing.

During this month and a couple of subsequent months, I was like Jimmy Carter mediating between Sadat and Begin at Camp David. We sat at a round table and negotiated terms. Here is part of the transcript of these negotiations:

Bella: You are too big for this house.
Nina: Are you saying I’m fat?
Bella: I’m saying you’re too fat. You consume the human’s resources. You eat everything. And you’re slow and awkward. Your tail is a pendulum of destruction. We can’t even have visitors without you raising hell. You’re a threat to me and to the sanctity of this household.
Nina: The human wants to give me those resources. And do you know why?
Bella: Because he’s as dumb as you are?
Nina: No. Because I don’t strut around this house like I own it, I obey commands, and I actually like him. And by the way, you’re not exactly a model of fitness either, Ms. Gut Hangs to the Ground.
Bella: Oh please – go shit in the woods.
Nina: Oh, I’m sorry – we as a species have not yet evolved to shit in a tiny little box filled with sand. You’re SO advanced.
Bella: Its called litter, pea brain, and you would eat it if you had the chance.
Matt: I feel like we’re getting off track here. We were discussing household boundaries and the prospects for peace.
Bella: If you want peace, tell Chewbacca here to stop chasing me when I come in the room. As if it has a chance of catching me, too.
Nina: (calmly threatening) One day you’ll be off guard. You’ll be licking your fur like a disgusting animal, and I’ll be all over you like a cheap fucking suit.
Bella: You’re welcome to keep trying, Gigantor. Do you smell any fear coming from me right now, motherfucker?
Nina: I smell a small quadruped who is weak, alone, and clearly outmatched. I also smell ice cream coming from somewhere, but that’s beside the point.
Bella: Is this your theory of “survival of the fattest?”
Nina: Yeah, and you’re the test data, bitch.
Matt: OKAY, can we stop bickering like children and act like adults?
Bella: I’m two years old.
Nina: I’m three. (Both snicker.)
Matt: We had a treaty in principle. Now what do I have to do to put you two in this house in peace today?
Nina: I would request a long walk and a meal, but I’m getting those anyway.
Bella: I don’t need shit. Its Big Mama over there who is high maintenance.
Nina: Go get your catnip fix and scratch your post, you glorified rat.
Bella: Do you see, human? I can’t live with this thing. She snaps at a moment’s notice. She has no tact, no grace. She would eat me if she could move faster than a slug in cement. Its so unladylike.
Nina: Unladylike? Yeah – that’s a very modern, enlightened viewpoint. Females can’t be aggressive and confident?
Bella: Not when their doing so makes other living things bleed.
Matt: Well, maybe you’d both feel better about your lives if I took you down to the SPCA and put you both up for adoption.
Nina: I smell fear. Is that me?
Bella: The fear you smell is mine. The other disgusting shit you smell is you.
Nina: Maybe we work something out.
Bella: Oh, you love me already.

These tense negotiations went on for a few weeks. I tried to find common enemies for them, such as birds, other cats, and the vacuum cleaner. Eventually, we emerged, hands and paws clasped together, with a signed treaty. Now, today, they're companions. They sleep right next to each other in my bed every night. Three days ago, I saw Bella rubbing her head on Nina’s legs (marking her ‘territory’). To be honest, sometimes I feel like I'm the third wheel.