MEMO|RANDOM|: Christmas/Holidays

I've been absent for a while because, as of two days ago, I'm "Fat with a Ph....D."

Coming off my hiatus, here is a new set of random thoughts, with a holiday theme.

• I'm going to filibuster my New Year's resolution.
• Doesn't Santa annually violate our immigration laws?
• Christmas should buy Hanukah and re-tool it.
• Before I die, Santa's workshop will be based in China.
• If there's really a "War on Christmas," trees will side with our enemy.
• When Santa visits our troops in Iraq, Blackwater is doing the security.
• The song "White Christmas" is racially insensitive.
• Holiday shopping benefits the Christ-Industrial Complex.
• Is there some breed of mistletoe that gets you laid?
• Does Mrs. Claus find the term "ho" offensive?
• I heard the Grinch is now affiliated with al-Quaeda.
• Putting gifts under our trees is a relic of our evolution from small rodents.

Romney's Mormon Speech Outtakes

Today, Mitt Romney gave a much-hyped speech about his Mormon faith as it relates to his candidacy for President. Here are some excerpts from the speech that didn't make it into the final draft:

• "Its actually pronounced 'more man.' "
• "I pledge to you - as do all my first ladies - that religion will not matter."
• "We're sorry about all the door-knocking! Have you ever tried to live in Utah?"
• "The Book of Mormon is not what it sounds like. Its just a cookbook."
• "Would you prefer I were Jewish?"
• "No booze, masturbation, or premarital sex? Fuck it - I deserve to be President."
• "Learn about Mormonism before judging me... No, that would just fuck everything up even more."
• "Polygamy is how I keep myself from coveting thy neighbor's wife. Thine too."
• "Mormonism is no more ridiculous than Christianity, people."
• "Don't knock polygamy until you try it, fellas. Every day is Christmas."
• "Fuck religion - have you seen my hair?"

MEMO|RANDOM|: Republican Politics

Here is a couple of days worth of observations about politics and the Republican Party:

• The War on Terror should be renamed the "Petrolympics."
• When Osama bin Laden and his aides are sitting around watching television and Bush comes on, do you think they talk shit to the screen?
• I would start a campaign to restore privacy rights, but I'm afraid they'll check my background.
• There is a guaranteed method of winning every political argument. At the end of your sentence, add "in a post-9/11 world."
• Somebody should wiretap the NSA.
• Both parties have have adopted modifications of the "cut and run" strategy and rhetoric. The Republican strategy is now "cut and gun." The Democrats' is "cut and paste."
• If we extend the metaphor, the Bush Cabinet is full of tupperware and those mugs that, when you pour liquid in them, the person's clothes disappear.
• Every once in a while, Bush turns to his closest aides and says, "Can you fucking believe that I'm president?"
• I heard a rumor that Dick Cheney dodged his fantasy football draft.
• We should start a "War on Overconfidence."
• I love how we're fighting "al-Qaeda in Iraq." Is that like "NFL Europe?"