True, but sad

The theme is "Sad but True in U.S. Politics." Of course, there are too many of these to ponder, but these are the ones I have thought about or come across lately that struck me.

• After George Bush leaves office, he will be paid tens of millions of dollars to give speeches.
• In a September 2006 CBS News/New York Times poll, 31 percent of Americans believed that Saddam Hussein was "personally involved" in the attack of September 11, 2001. 75 percent of Americans believe in angels.
• Vice President Cheney's dog is named Dave, but his Chief of Staff was named Scooter.
• Fox News, under the taglines "Fair and Balanced" and "We Report, You Decide," has hired Karl Rove to provide regular political commentary.
• A substantial group of well-known Republicans are using Barack Obama's middle name as an argument against voting for him.
• A December 2007 Gallup Poll showed that 17 percent of Americans would not vote for a Mormon presidential candidate under any circumstances, but 48 percent would not vote for an Atheist.
• At a debate several months ago, three Republican candidates for President stated that they do not believe in evolution. One of those candidates, Mike Huckabee, has won almost ten primary states, and he is still in the race.
• In a recent California poll, 81 percent of nonvoters agreed that voting is an important way to influence issues and policies that affect them, but about 65 percent said that they don't vote because special interests control elections.
• In order to avoid political embarrassment, Bush has consciously chosen to continue mispronouncing the word "nuclear" as "nucular."
• If George Allen had said "jerk" instead of "macaca," he would likely be the Republican nominee for President.

GOP Talking Points in '08

With the primary season in full swing, one can only imagine what Republicans are planning for the general election campaign. With an unpopular war, a dismal incumbent, and a tanking economy, they have a lot to explain. As an unofficial GOP advisor (working on an unsolicited, pro bono basis), I have thrown together a few Republican talking points and strategies for the upcoming general election campaign. (Sadly enough, it is not impossible that one or more of these recommendations will actually occur.)

• If she is nominated, reiterate that Hillary Clinton is (technically) a woman, and that in the Mideast, women are not respected and are considered weak. Emphasize the role of the penis as a weapon attacking our enemies, and of the balls as intelligence storehouses. Refer to Clinton's supporters as her "knitting club," her campaign press releases as "recipes," and call her advisors her "campaign commi-tittie." Start rumors that Osama bin Laden and his aides dismissively refer to Hillary as the "Whoran" or "She-jad." Covertly hand out tampons at Clinton campaign rallies with the slogan "Change is Good - Hillary in '08" written on the packaging. During speeches on air, plant GOP operatives to chant "Show your tits!" while Hillary is speaking.
• If Barack Obama is nominated, point out that he is a black, drug-dealing, Muslim adolescent. Always say his name in full: "Barack Hussein Obama," eventually shortening it to "BHO," as in: all Obama will do is "B a HO" on the world stage. Start rumors that "Obama" is Arabic for "fuck this place," that his Secret Service guards are actually the Fruit of Islam, and that Obama governs according to the maxim: "What would Allah do?" Stir racial divisions by starting rumors that Obama has a "Thug Life" tattoo across his chest, that he has a "I Brake for White Women" bumper sticker on his limo, and that he will pass a law that makes D.C. stand for "dark chocolate."
• Remind voters that the stock market hates Democrats, and that the economy will tank if a Democrat is elected. Portray the stock market as a Christian white male. Refer to Democrats as "taxidermists." Chalk up the economic boom under Bill Clinton to a "freak financial blow job." Point out that liberals want higher taxes, and if confronted with counter-argument that this isn't true, call your opponent a "twinkle-toed communist." Blame rising gas prices on gay Democrats' consumption of lube.
• Never miss a chance to assert that the Islamo-fascist-jihado-terrorists want a Democrat elected President in 2008 because they're scared of Republicans. Report that radical Muslims have added a sixth daily prayer to ask Allah for a Democratic president. Call Nancy Pelosi the "Speaker of the Mosque" or "Madame Ovary." Retranslate old bin Laden video messages such that he refers to Bush as a "bad motherfucker" who "makes the hair on my back stand up."
• Use the argument that Democrats want to legalize illegal immigration, thereby making it just "immigration." Fabricate film footage of Democratic staffers at the border handing out toothbrushes to crossing Mexicans. Try and reframe the "Remember the Alamo" controversy as a border patrol dispute. Refer to Democratic campaign volunteers as "guest workers." Predict that traffic signs will soon be in Spanish, which will increase auto accidents and road congestion.
• Energize Evangelicals by predicting that a Democratic president represents a return to godlessness and moral ruin. Start framing liberalism as an "alternative lifestyle." Call the Democrats the "Party of Butt and Fun" and characterize their candidates as "Bi and partisan." Leak Democratic plans to change "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy regarding gays in the military to "Say that Shit, Do that Shit!" Claim that Democrats who say "Amen" after praying are actually saying "Ahhh...men."

MEMO|RANDOM|: Christmas/Holidays

I've been absent for a while because, as of two days ago, I'm "Fat with a Ph....D."

Coming off my hiatus, here is a new set of random thoughts, with a holiday theme.

• I'm going to filibuster my New Year's resolution.
• Doesn't Santa annually violate our immigration laws?
• Christmas should buy Hanukah and re-tool it.
• Before I die, Santa's workshop will be based in China.
• If there's really a "War on Christmas," trees will side with our enemy.
• When Santa visits our troops in Iraq, Blackwater is doing the security.
• The song "White Christmas" is racially insensitive.
• Holiday shopping benefits the Christ-Industrial Complex.
• Is there some breed of mistletoe that gets you laid?
• Does Mrs. Claus find the term "ho" offensive?
• I heard the Grinch is now affiliated with al-Quaeda.
• Putting gifts under our trees is a relic of our evolution from small rodents.

Romney's Mormon Speech Outtakes

Today, Mitt Romney gave a much-hyped speech about his Mormon faith as it relates to his candidacy for President. Here are some excerpts from the speech that didn't make it into the final draft:

• "Its actually pronounced 'more man.' "
• "I pledge to you - as do all my first ladies - that religion will not matter."
• "We're sorry about all the door-knocking! Have you ever tried to live in Utah?"
• "The Book of Mormon is not what it sounds like. Its just a cookbook."
• "Would you prefer I were Jewish?"
• "No booze, masturbation, or premarital sex? Fuck it - I deserve to be President."
• "Learn about Mormonism before judging me... No, that would just fuck everything up even more."
• "Polygamy is how I keep myself from coveting thy neighbor's wife. Thine too."
• "Mormonism is no more ridiculous than Christianity, people."
• "Don't knock polygamy until you try it, fellas. Every day is Christmas."
• "Fuck religion - have you seen my hair?"

MEMO|RANDOM|: Republican Politics

Here is a couple of days worth of observations about politics and the Republican Party:

• The War on Terror should be renamed the "Petrolympics."
• When Osama bin Laden and his aides are sitting around watching television and Bush comes on, do you think they talk shit to the screen?
• I would start a campaign to restore privacy rights, but I'm afraid they'll check my background.
• There is a guaranteed method of winning every political argument. At the end of your sentence, add "in a post-9/11 world."
• Somebody should wiretap the NSA.
• Both parties have have adopted modifications of the "cut and run" strategy and rhetoric. The Republican strategy is now "cut and gun." The Democrats' is "cut and paste."
• If we extend the metaphor, the Bush Cabinet is full of tupperware and those mugs that, when you pour liquid in them, the person's clothes disappear.
• Every once in a while, Bush turns to his closest aides and says, "Can you fucking believe that I'm president?"
• I heard a rumor that Dick Cheney dodged his fantasy football draft.
• We should start a "War on Overconfidence."
• I love how we're fighting "al-Qaeda in Iraq." Is that like "NFL Europe?"

MEMO|RANDOM|: Religion

My brain is extremely fertile ground, but I have planted tobacco on it.

Almost every day, usually while walking my dog, I come up with at least 10-15 stupid little thoughts or rhetorical questions that I want to share with others. Two days ago, I began recording these ideas so as not to forget them. I have decided that I am going to start relaying them thematically (motivation permitting). I am calling these installments MEMORANDOM, because I like assigning titles to things (my runners-up were "Fear-reviewed Journal" and "Eat the Press").

My theme for today is religion. I apologize if some of these are stupid. Sometimes, I can't tell. In the interests of full disclosure, I am an atheist.

• I think we should make an effort to learn more about middle-eastern humor by learning all their good "Imama jokes."
• Are there any creationist monkeys?
• If Jesus was resurrected, I don't understand how he died for our sins.
• In Russia, when Bush looked into Vladimir Putin's eyes and "saw his soul," was Putin's soul wearing one of those fur hats?
• If you're "born again," doesn't this imply that your previous life was aborted?
• I think I want to start a prayer rhombus.
• I hear a lot of talk about "god's will." Are Mary and Joseph written into it?
• The 11th Commandment is: "Certain restrictions apply."
• How did the "intelligent designer" design a brain without using one?
• When a Sunni Muslim hates you, it means you're on his "Shi-ite list."
• Christians should start a new campaign to appeal to teenagers. The slogan should be: "You know how Jesus do!"
• Is there a sin tax in Vatican City?
• In French, the word for Zion is "Jew d'etat."
• Does the Dalai Lama listen to Nirvana?

Immidebation

The immigration debate in the U.S. is a wonderful mixture of prejudice and righteousness that is the hallmark of this nation's racial discourse. Once again, there is a "crisis" from a situation that has not changed in decades, and once again, we seem to be defining our enemies along racial and ethnic lines.

If I were Mexican, I might be a little offended by some of the rhetoric coming from this "debate." Better yet, if I were the Mexican president, here are some of the things I would consider doing just to spite the U.S. "anti-immigration" advocates:

• Institute a "guest employer program" for U.S. corporations relocating to Mexico
• Post Mexican border patrol guards directly across the line from the U.S. guards
• Create a giant welcome mat that runs the entire length of the border
• Run advertisements by Mexican travel agencies selling U.S. vacations dirt cheap
• Publicly speculate as to whether Native American Indians had an immigration debate
• Generate fake videos of white U.S. citizens jumping the border into Mexico
• Build a one-foot wall along the border
• Announce government program to create "tamper-proof" fake U.S. visas
• Forge records providing evidence that Lou Dobbs is a distant relative of Santa Ana
• Pass "Spanish-only education" laws for Mexico's public schools
• Establish the Vicente Fox News Channel, and constantly criticize the U.S. on its shows
• Open luggage stores and currency exchange booths right near border checkpoints

The George W. Bush Presidential Library

It is not uncommon for presidents to begin planning their libraries before they leave office. They are very concerned - rightfully so - about their "legacies." As for George W. Bush, he's fighting a whole war just for his legacy, so planning his library seemed a natural extension. Bush seeks to balance armed invasion and occupation with reading. He's a multidimensional guy.

I was recently given a virtual tour of the planned George W. Bush Presidential Library and Funcenter, and it is a colossus. I share this tour with my reader(s).

Before you enter the library, you must of course remove your shoes and surrender any gels or liquids you have, before passing through metal detectors and a round of political interrogation (its not as bad as it sounds). As for "logistical" details, admission price is reduced for patriots, and the "family value" rate gets your whole tribe in very cheap. Admission is tax deductible. The library will also feature "privatized public restrooms."

When you finally make it in, you enter the grand "Lobbyists Lobby," the centerpiece of which is a giant statue of Bush himself, modeled after Rodin's "The Thinker." From this monumental lobby, there are numerous options for the serious adult visitor as well as for the kids. However, families who wish to spend part or all of their time in the library without their kids can leave them at the "Children Left Behind Childcare Center."

Alternatively, there are plenty of options for the kids to have some good old fashioned fun in the Bush Library. Families can take their kids to the gigantic indoor Black Water Park, which features such water rides as the "Gay Marriage Slippery Slope," the "Swift Boat Water Slide," and the "Hurricane Katrina Wave Pool." There is also a puppet show, performed every two hours by Karl Rove. The most popular attraction for underage visitors, however, is the huge Sports Complex, including the "Slam Dunk Basketball Court," the "Stay the Course Miniature Golf Range," and the "Last Throws Horseshoe Competition."

For adults, the choices are equally diverse and appealing. The most controversial exhibit is, of course, the Iraq War Exhibit, which the library's designers will purposefully leave largely unfinished, and fill in the exhibit's historical details over the next 10-30 years of the war. Upon opening, though, the exhibit will still be impressive, and it will include an actual piece of Saddam Hussein's ass, a "Find the WMD's Hedge Maze," and a large statue of General Petraeus done in the classical Greek style. Immediately upon entering the Iraq War exhibit, Iraqi children throw flowers and cheer visitors, while simultaneously, the number "9/11" flashes in a strobelight-like fashion all over the room.

Visitors may continue from the war exhibit to Oval Office Replica, a very popular attraction at most presidential libraries, since all presidents customize the aesthetics and functionality of the Oval Office to fit their own work habits and personality. The Bush Oval Office is no exception. For example, the president's desk will be a perfect replica of its current configuration, including a Pez dispenser, the phone-a-prompter (for scripting the president's phone calls), and a Magic 8-Ball. The office also includes an arts and crafts area for the president's relaxation, a "Rove Alcove" where the assistant used to work, a Fox News ticker, and a cotton candy machine.

Visitors may also take a look at the Dick Cheney Memorial Wing, which is located 1/2 mile underground, and includes a "Terrorist Shooting Range." If all the fascination and activity in the library make visitors hungry or thirsty, there is a "Cakewalk Snack Shop," which serves such selection as Grilled Chickenhawk sandwiches with a side of S-Chips and, for the refined customer seeking an after-dinner cocktail, a glass of Dubai Port. For dessert, you can enjoy treats such as the Tony Snowcone and Yellowcake.

When all is said and done, visitors are encouraged to check out the colossal Gift Shop, which is hosted by WalMart. There are too many interesting commemorative gifts to list, but they include the Abu Ghreib photo postcard book, a house doormat that says "We greet you as a liberator," The color-coded terrorist alarm clock radio, and a pocket-sized Bible/Constitution.

Library planners tell me that some "elite intellectual" or "liberal media" types may be wondering about the centerpiece of all existing presidential libraries - the documents collections. However, the Bush Library will not be providing such materials to the public, as they are all either classified or relevant to ongoing federal investigations (there is, however, a comic book reading room). The library also passed on the standard "oral histories" collections, because, they said, it "sounds too gay."

Still - the virtual tour of the library was a stunning experience, providing real insight into this palacial, imitation leader. I am also told that, once the library opens, the words and movements of every visitor will be recorded and given to them when they leave the library, along with a "Terrorist or Patriot Scorecard" based on their behavior within the library (kicking the piece of Saddam's ass apparently earns you big patriot points).

Because of this and everything else the library will offer, it is safe to say that admission "will pay for itself."

Fretting the agenda

Maybe this is a cliche, but facts don’t matter too much in U.S. politics. This is essentially possible because individuals will consider facts to be of secondary importance when those facts don’t match their worldviews and premises. This is normal - to an extent. But the image/substance distinction is becoming a thing of the past. Although this is a bipartisan phenomenon, it is the core of Republican strategy, as well as the reason for their success. I understand that people disregard facts when they don’t match their worldview – I do it myself sometimes. But are we really so stupid and devoid of thoughtfulness that even the most obvious facts can be disregarded? Consider these core Republican arguments:

• The jury is still out on the theory of evolution.
• Republicans are for small government.
• Public assistance increases poverty.
• Gun ownership decreases crime.
• The Republicans are the party of family values, religion, and morals.
• Democrats are “elite snobs” with contempt for ordinary Americans.
• Opposing (or even questioning) the war is unpatriotic and “anti-troops.”
• Gay marriage threatens everyone else’s marriage.
• If Congress cuts war funding, our troops will be defenseless.
• Affirmative action is unjust racial discrimination.

These are not arguments, like abortion, that are subject to debate and personal opinion. Nor are these even bullshit arguments, such as the "liberal media bias," that are impossible to disprove. These are – there is no other way to put it – lies. Most of them are obscene lies. Besides being untruthful, they are all simply tools to increase (or stabilize) Republican power and support by setting, both directly and indirectly, the premises and agenda of public political discourse.

So, in the spirit of competition, I think it is high time that we as progressives fight back and establish our own premises, and so here are my proposals for the Democratic “talking points” throughout the 2008 election campaign:

• Republicans hate the terrorists because the terrorists hate our freedom, but freedom hates Republicans because they hate terrorists.
• Heterosexual marriage is a threat to gay divorce.
• The science on the earth being round is questionable, and so if the terrorists try to “follow us home” after an Iraq withdrawal, they might fall off the planet.
• School vouchers are just food stamps with a fancy wrapper.
• Social Security is an incentive against suicide bombers.
• The second amendment is only the right to wear short sleeves.
• Tax cuts are strongly favored in the Koran.
• Republicans doubt evolution because it doesn't affect them.
• School prayer is a slippery slope towards school prayer five times a day.
• Federal spending helps the economy, because the government goes shopping.

bin Laden drops a new album

So, Osama bin Laden dropped a new tape this week. The U.S. intelligence apparatus is currently checking it for intelligence value, digitally remastering the soundrack, and playing it backwards in case there are hidden messages. I have managed to get my hands on the tape prior to its release, and here are some of the direct quotes in the new Osama bin Laden tape:

• “America is nothing but a big airport men’s room with tapping little girl legs.”
• “We’re just chillin’, kicking it. Hit up a bar mitzvah and after-party. You know.”
• “If we don’t follow you home, you will fight us here in Iraq. ”
• “Just to end speculation – I am, in fact, free-balling under this robe.”
• “I’ll be on ‘Hannity and Colmes’ next week, and then Oprah. And I’m blogging.”
• “Good evening, my fellow Islamo-fundamentalist jihado-terrorist fascists ”
• “I haven’t had a woman in so long, that my dick looks like a foot.”
• “I’ll give America one thing: Laura Bush is HOT.”
• “My forces are training hard on playground equipment to kill you.”
• “I’m a cowboy. On a steel horse I ride. I’m wanted… dead or alive.”

Like a scandal in the wind

Over the past week, Alberto Gonzales resigned, Larry Craig went manhunting in a public men's room, and Karl Rove has officially stepped down under a cloud of suspicion that could cover a hundred people (so long as one of them isn't him). I am almost frightened of what might come next.

Here are some possible scandals that I foresee arising prior to the 2008 general election:

• New tape shows Giuliani on 9/11 “screaming like a bitch”
• Cheney caught masturbating in WH hallway in front of Reagan portrait
• Staffer says Karl Rove ate his e-mail files instead of surrendering them
• Medical evidence indicates that John McCain has been dead for over a year
• In interview, Bush refers to Barack Obama as “Macaca Osama”
• Bill Clinton donates his penis to the Bush Presidential Library
• Probe reveals that four GOP senators hired Cub Scouts as staff
• Romney’s wife addresses polygamy issue: “this good thing's plenty”
• Rupert Murdoch acquires Al Jazeera – says “nothing will change”
• Ex-Attorney General Alberto Gonzales deported
• Internal Defense Memo: “surge plan” based on G.I. Joe episode
• Leaked first draft of Petraeus Report written in crayon
• Fred Thompson calls Hillary and Democratic candiates "a steer and nine queers"
  
  

xoxoxo, Karl

Today, the Judiciary Committee once again demanded Karl Rove's e-mail records regarding his role in the Justice Department U.S. Attorneys firings scandal. I was able to get my chubby little fingers on a few snippets from Rove's e-mail file, and here they are:

• “DAMN! I wish these chat room hoes would back up off me!”
• “Attached please find my soul – in MS Access format.”
• “The IT guys finally installed the ‘Perjury Check’ feature on my e-mail client.”
• “I think somebody recognized me in my J-Date profile. Please advise.”
• “The election is tomorrow, and I just can’t seem to stop playing Minesweeper.”
• “OMG! I am SO bored today!!!!!”
• “All this NSA wiretap data is really stressing my hard drive space.”
• “Ever see that YouTube video of the fat girl falling off the motorcycle? LOL!”
• “Are these e-mail offers for Viagra legitimate? Are orders secure?”
• “Gotta go – Mitt Romney promised to help find me a wife, and we’re going out.”
• “I fought the Iraq War in an online gaming community, and I think we can win!”
• “I accidentally ate my mouse yesterday, and frankly – it wasn’t bad.”
• “I could stare forever at that screensaver where you move through outer space.”
• “We’re working on a new program with ‘one-click’ firing of U.S. attorneys.”

War and Peace

It has been exactly a year since I got Nina, my dog. She is a 3-year old yellow lab, and we are now interdependent habitually, physically, and emotionally. I am slightly uncomfortable when she is not with me. However, when I first got Nina, the peace negotiations between Nina and my cat, Bella, were touch-and-go for a few weeks. The first time Nina saw the cat, she freaked (they both did). For the first month or so, I blocked off my house at the midpoint – the cat had one half, the dog had the other half, and I had nothing.

During this month and a couple of subsequent months, I was like Jimmy Carter mediating between Sadat and Begin at Camp David. We sat at a round table and negotiated terms. Here is part of the transcript of these negotiations:

Bella: You are too big for this house.
Nina: Are you saying I’m fat?
Bella: I’m saying you’re too fat. You consume the human’s resources. You eat everything. And you’re slow and awkward. Your tail is a pendulum of destruction. We can’t even have visitors without you raising hell. You’re a threat to me and to the sanctity of this household.
Nina: The human wants to give me those resources. And do you know why?
Bella: Because he’s as dumb as you are?
Nina: No. Because I don’t strut around this house like I own it, I obey commands, and I actually like him. And by the way, you’re not exactly a model of fitness either, Ms. Gut Hangs to the Ground.
Bella: Oh please – go shit in the woods.
Nina: Oh, I’m sorry – we as a species have not yet evolved to shit in a tiny little box filled with sand. You’re SO advanced.
Bella: Its called litter, pea brain, and you would eat it if you had the chance.
Matt: I feel like we’re getting off track here. We were discussing household boundaries and the prospects for peace.
Bella: If you want peace, tell Chewbacca here to stop chasing me when I come in the room. As if it has a chance of catching me, too.
Nina: (calmly threatening) One day you’ll be off guard. You’ll be licking your fur like a disgusting animal, and I’ll be all over you like a cheap fucking suit.
Bella: You’re welcome to keep trying, Gigantor. Do you smell any fear coming from me right now, motherfucker?
Nina: I smell a small quadruped who is weak, alone, and clearly outmatched. I also smell ice cream coming from somewhere, but that’s beside the point.
Bella: Is this your theory of “survival of the fattest?”
Nina: Yeah, and you’re the test data, bitch.
Matt: OKAY, can we stop bickering like children and act like adults?
Bella: I’m two years old.
Nina: I’m three. (Both snicker.)
Matt: We had a treaty in principle. Now what do I have to do to put you two in this house in peace today?
Nina: I would request a long walk and a meal, but I’m getting those anyway.
Bella: I don’t need shit. Its Big Mama over there who is high maintenance.
Nina: Go get your catnip fix and scratch your post, you glorified rat.
Bella: Do you see, human? I can’t live with this thing. She snaps at a moment’s notice. She has no tact, no grace. She would eat me if she could move faster than a slug in cement. Its so unladylike.
Nina: Unladylike? Yeah – that’s a very modern, enlightened viewpoint. Females can’t be aggressive and confident?
Bella: Not when their doing so makes other living things bleed.
Matt: Well, maybe you’d both feel better about your lives if I took you down to the SPCA and put you both up for adoption.
Nina: I smell fear. Is that me?
Bella: The fear you smell is mine. The other disgusting shit you smell is you.
Nina: Maybe we work something out.
Bella: Oh, you love me already.

These tense negotiations went on for a few weeks. I tried to find common enemies for them, such as birds, other cats, and the vacuum cleaner. Eventually, we emerged, hands and paws clasped together, with a signed treaty. Now, today, they're companions. They sleep right next to each other in my bed every night. Three days ago, I saw Bella rubbing her head on Nina’s legs (marking her ‘territory’). To be honest, sometimes I feel like I'm the third wheel.

Saddam's Final Words

Saddam Hussein was executed at 6:10am this morning (Iraqi time), only five days after losing his appeal. I think this execution (by hanging, no less) is appalling, unnecessary, and dangerous. But as usual, things are so bad in Iraq that the only way I can channel my outrage and sadness is with humor. So here are a few unrecorded things that I heard Saddam muttered before his death sentence was carried out:

• “And to think that my high school guidance counselor said I’d never amount to anything.”
• “Tell Bush that I’ve always loved him.”
• “It was my last dinner on Earth, and I can’t even get the kosher meal.”
• “Does this striped prison outfit make me look fat?”
• “If you commute my death sentence, I’ll tell you where I hid the WMD’s.”
• “After three years in prison, those 72 virgins had better be ready. How’s my hair?”
• “Don’t I get a phone call or something? How about a text message?”
• “If you guys kill me, you’re likely to lose a lot of those humanitarian awards.”
• “Wait! I was just bullshitting!”
• “You can’t win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.”
• “Tell Dick Cheney that he owes me 50 bucks, and that I'll see him in hell.”
• “My life just flashed before my eyes, and it was all to the music from 'Dark Side of the Moon.'”
• “Sic Semper Tyrannus! No, wait...fuck that.”
• “Is Christiane Amanapour here? I've got a thing for her.”
• “Oh, come on! They can't sell popcorn in here!”
• “By the way, I'm gay.”

The Lost Iraq Study Group Recommendations

After the release of the Iraq Study Group Report on Wednesday, I have come across some of the recommendations that were left out of the final version:

• Employ new terminology for phased redeployment strategy – call it “cut and paste”
• Send in Karl Rove to eat all the insurgents
• Channel violent energy of Iraqis into “Doom” video game and squeezable stress balls
• Convene Mideast peace conference with Israeli delegation sitting at table in the carport
• Boost domestic war support by planting and finding WMD’s under mattress in Saddam Hussein’s prison cell
• Arrange marriage of Bush daughters to Iranian Mullahs
• Increase independence from Mideast oil by developing hybrid tanks and war planes
• Just run without cutting
• Change U.S. army uniforms to burqas
• Send in Dick Cheney as an anger management consultant to mediate disputes
• Protect the sanctity of marriage, and everything else will fall into place

The Secret Bush Tapes

During lunch at a recent G8 summit meeting in Russia, President Bush was, unbeknownst to him, caught chatting informally with Tony Blair about the Middle East, the U.N., global trade talks, and miscellaneous other topics. Here are a few soundbytes that I heard were recorded:

• “Is there something in my teeth?”
• “I’ve had enough Euro-trash at this thing to last the rest of my term.”
• “Those really are fabulous window treatments.”
• “If I don't get to a bathroom soon there'll be an international incident.”
• “Tony – have you given any more thought to switching wives for a night?”
• “Have you heard the one about the Mullah, Emir, and Ayatollah who walk into a bar?”
• “Sometimes I just want to crawl under the table at these dinners and play for a while.”
• “So, Tony, about the war… Ah, fuck it – what’s for dessert?”
• “Ever wonder whether those Arab fellas are naked under those robes?”
• “What does the G in G8 stand for, anyway? Come to think of it, what does the 8 mean?”
• “You know – Kofi Annan really is a good-looking man.”
• “I have to go home soon or I’ll miss Gunsmoke.”
• “I told Condi to get her sweet tits over to Syria and make something happen!”
• “Do you dare me to throw this olive at Chirac?”
• “You know, I’ve never understood how if it’s the east, it can also be in the middle.”
• “I say Diet Coke and I get Coke. I think that waiter is a terrorist.”
• “Hey Tony, let's go lob a cherry bomb into the men's room at the Kremlin!”
• “There's just too much talking at these fuckin summits.”
• “What's the weed situation for after dinner?”

Saddam's last days

There’s a story in today’s NY Times about Saddam Hussein’s last days before capture. There is this remarkable detail that when he was caught, he was staying in some bunker or something in Tikrit, a ragged little place with a picture of Noah’s arc on the wall, and among his few belongings were a screwed up suitcase, some ragged clothing, and a heart-shaped clock.

A heart-shaped clock? A heart-shaped clock? The guy is wanted, dead or alive, by the most powerful military in the world, along with millions of enemies from his own country, he is moving from safe house to safe house, pursued by troops and heavy bombings of suspected hideouts, and he is running around with a heart-shaped clock? There had better be a shitload of sentimental value attached to that clock.

Anyway, this story, along with Saddam’s incredibly insane behavior and appearance during his trial, make me wonder what the first thing he said was upon being confronted by his captors. Here are a few possible theories I came up with:

• “Does one of you guys have a mint or something?”
• “No thanks. Not interested. Please remove me from your solicitation list.”
• “According to my heart-shaped clock here, you guys are about an hour early.”
• “Stop right there, and I’ll bring back the sun.”
• “Now take me to the Hague. Shotgun!”
• “Saddam Hussein? Who the hell is Saddam Hussein?”
• “Welcome! Come on in and make yourself at home; dinner is almost ready.”
• “Would you mind stopping at an ATM on the way back to base?”
• “Goddamnit! Always when I’m eating!”
• “Will you at least permit me the dignity of reattaching my mustache?”
• “He went that way! If you hurry, you can catch him!”
• “Don't come any closer! There's a WMD wired to this heart-shaped clock!”
• “Whatever Bush is paying you, I'll double it.”
• “I noticed that none of you guys is wearing proper body armor. Why is that?”
• “If I surrender quietly, will you let me ride in the tank?”
• “You guys could at least wipe your feet.”
• “If you think I was bad, wait until you try and establish a new government.”

Its the troops, stupid...

The Bush Administration seems to be down to one major defense of the Iraq War - Support Our Troops. No matter what the substance of the criticism leveled against the war, "Support Our Troops" is the inevitable refrain. However, I must say that I don't quite understand the nuances and implications of this argument.

Maybe this issue has already been covered thoroughly, but I haven't heard it, at least not in a while. Namely, does the "Support Our Troops" argument imply that one must do so even if one disagrees with the war? The fact that conservative commentators and the Administration use this argument to respond to virtually all explicit and implicit criticism of the war would seem to suggest that indeed we must support our troops even if we are against the war. Furthermore, the argument strongly implies that insofar as dissent against the war amounts to an unpatriotic failure to support our military personnel, and insofar as such failure is wrong, then we must deduce that dissent against the war is wrong.

Well, if my premises are roughly correct, then this is certainly a nifty little logical trap that has been set for us. In sum, it means that one cannot be against the war, lest this person commit the treasonous act of "emboldening the enemy" and costing American lives. What a cute little maze of circular logic! The sad part is that I'm sure this counter-argument was thoroughly polled and focus-tested and apparently it performed particularly well (as did the mention of 9/11 in conjunction with defenses of the Iraq War). That it did so makes sense - who wants to appear to not care about our troops risking and losing their lives?

Quite frankly, the "Support Our Troops" argument, were it not inherently bullshit, would be totally brilliant.

P.S. The Johnson and Nixon Administrations used the same tired refrain during the late pre- and post-Tet Vietnam War period - that every time an editorial or young demonstrator voiced anti-war opinions, he or she was emboldening the Vietcong or NVA, and costing American lives.

Wiretap me, please

This current domestic spying and wiretapping scandal has really made me step outside myself and observe my telephone conversations while they are occurring. I’ve been thinking of things to say to friends on the phone just in case I am being wiretapped. Here are a few I have tried:

• Guess what! I think I figured out how to rewire my phone so that anyone listening will catch my syphilis
• Osama and I are going out for beers and falafels later on
• Hold on a minute – I got Dick Cheney on the other line asking for some weed.
• What does a man have to do to get some Anthrax around here?!
• Shhh! If you listen real closely, you can hear the wiretappers breathing.
• The FBI is a bunch of pussies since J. Edgar Hoover died
• Well, if Karl Rove thinks we’re having sex again, he’s crazy.
• You know – since that one night at White Castle, Laura Bush keeps calling me, and the bitch won’t leave me alone
• Give me a second – I’m just going to put these weapons of mass destruction back in the pantry.
• Maybe it would be best to have this conversation in Arabic…
• The FISA Court, huh? I spent a month there one night!
• You didn’t hear?! Five minutes ago, Saddam Hussein escaped from prison!!!

George Will

I have to admit that I think I’m a George Will fan. Of course, his politics usually don’t sit right with me, but I appreciate his being so well-prepared and articulate, as well as his selective use of historical references in discussing current events. I suppose he can also be quite balanced in his viewpoints on occasion. I think he is just one of the very few conservative public figures in this country that doesn't make me feel ashamed.

In addition, he is the subject of one of my favorite Seinfeld quotes ever, which goes like this:

Jerry: Elaine and I were just discussing whether I could admit a man is attractive
Kramer: Hmm. Yeah. I’ll tell you who is an attractive man: George Will.
Jerry: Really?
Kramer: Yeah. He has clean looks, scrubbed and shampooed and…
Elaine: He’s smart.
Kramer: No, no, I don’t find him all that bright.

Mr. Pryor

My obsession with Richard Pryor’s comedy started about five or six years ago, when I broke up with my girlfriend, and I was all fucked up. She was my first true love, and I didn’t stand a chance – immediately after the break-up, my doorbell rang. When I opened the door, depression was just standing there, smiling at me, flanked by two huge suitcases. The two of us spent the next two or three months in my house, in the middle of winter, listening to music, staring, and talking shop.

There are only two things that got me through, and slowly but surely kicked that motherfucker out of my house. The first was my cat. The other was Richard Pryor.

One night, I was downloading scores of depressing music from Napster, and, by chance, I happened to see a Pryor album in my search results. I hadn’t laughed in months, but I guess I was feeling open-minded (i.e., I was drunk), and I checked out the album (I think it was ‘Live on the Sunset Strip’). It was unreal. I spent an hour absolutely cracking up out loud (which I almost never do even when I’m in a good mood). Over the next few days, I either purchased or downloaded every one of Pryor’s albums.

I’m not going to try and explain the unqualified admiration, appreciation, and gratitude I have for Richard Pryor’s comedy. It would take too long, and having read a few of today’s articles reviewing his career and characteristics of his humor, it would probably be pretty boring.

Therefore, although I’m just one fan among millions, for whatever its worth, I am paying my respects to Richard Pryor.

A galaxy far, far to the left

That which passes for the “far left” these days, particularly among our more conservative commentators, is totally out of control. I’ve heard this phrase applied to dozens of people and entities, such as Michael Moore, John Kerry, Cindy Sheehan, and several major newspapers, most notably the New York Times and Washington Post. Bill O’Reilly (probably the funniest man on television) throws the label “far left” around constantly. I realize the obvious (and quite pathetic) strategy and rationale behind this tactic, but can’t these guys just stick with referring to the opposition as “liberal,” instead of mixing everyone who doesn’t say merry fucking Christmas in retail stores into one gigantic mob? If I look over in my proverbial political foxhole and see Bill Clinton standing next to me, I’m going to freak. Please leave actual progressive thinkers out of this shit. Please.

I guess John Kerry resides on the “far left” of the political spectrum because he advocated for future negotiations in Iraq, smaller tax cuts, and abortion rights. Similarly, Michael Moore is clearly a pseudo-socialist due to his speaking out for revolutionary ideas such as labor unions, the lies behind the Iraq War, and gun control.

Wow – these are impressive left-wing credentials. Labor unions? Gun control? This is communism. Starve 180 pounds out of Michael Moore and slap a fake beard on him, and that motherfucker’s Ho Chi Minh. Give me a break. John Kerry is about as “far left” as Spiro Agnew.

If Michael Moore, John Kerry, and the New York Times represent the “far left” in the U.S. today, then where do I stand? Where do all my friends stand? Have we been pushed off the spectrum and relegated to the political “carport,” like small children at a family holiday dinner? Are we hanging off the edge of the U.S. political continuum, or have we simply fallen into political oblivion? Actually, my theory is that Karl Rove’s fat ass takes up so much space on the far right side of the spectrum that he pushed everyone over and knocked the far left contingent off the cliff.

Say something sexy

Today, I got an e-mail message from an ex-girlfriend who moved far away months ago; we still talk and flirt all the time, and often engage in conversations of a sexual nature. Her message requested that I say something sexy – just something brief and sexy.

My mind went to work immediately and voraciously to tackle this remarkably complicated request. Here are some of the ideas I came up with:

• I want you so badly that I’m considering getting out of bed.
• C-Span is airing a discussion on sexual freedom and its making me think of you.
• I recently had a role-playing fantasy in which I was Henry Kissinger
• My double chin is starting to look like your ass
• I still find your hairs all over my house – and I’ve been collecting them.
• The constant rubbing together of my thighs makes me think of you
• I’m dedicating my Ph.D. dissertation to your body.
• I was thinking about you in the men’s room the other day…
• I rarely wear underwear, and when I do, it’s usually something exotic.
• I’m watching Star Trek right now and Riker is about to fuck some member of an alien androgynous species.
• I not only changed my sheets two days ago, but even washed my duvet cover.
• Since you left, I haven’t had any sex – by choice, mind you.

The feline mystique

I don’t mean to turn this into a feline forum (though there is certainly enough material to do so), but I just adopted a new cat a couple of weeks ago, a female adult that I have named Bella. I’m a modern guy, and a feminist, but I have never in my life had a female pet before, and I didn’t realize that it takes some adjustments:

* I feel strange changing clothes in front of her. Asking her to leave (with a polite, ‘Could you please excuse me, dear?’) doesn’t work very well. I find myself wanting to leave the room to change. When she watches, I can almost hear her thinking, “Oh, yeah – that’s attractive.”

* My ‘pet names’ require a total retooling. Although ‘cutie’ is still appropriate, ‘handsome’ has lost its resonance, ‘big beast’ seems insulting, and I cannot quite bring myself to call my cat ‘beautiful’ – it seems a bit overdone, no? Maybe I will import ‘sweetheart’ into my repertoire, but I am really starting to fear my girlfriends noticing that I address them and my cat in the exact same terms. Moreover, I think Bella has been thinking the same thing, and it is an even more offensive thought to her.

* The bathroom is off-limits – period.

* For some reason, even when my cats aren’t fat, I call them fat, and doing that with a female may be risky, especially since Bella (aka Bella Reese) is, in fact, a whole lot of woman. I almost feel like she looks at me funny when I call her ‘chunky’ or ‘big mama.’ As if she is saying, “Excuse me, motherfucker?”

* When my male cats whined for whatever reason, I would ignore them and certainly never reinforce their whining by giving them what they were looking for. However, when Bella whines, I feel compelled to be an understanding man, hear her out, and show respect for her feelings and wishes, even though I’m well aware of the fact that she, just like my previous male cats, is pretty much saying, “Food, dickhead,” or “Pet me, hairless ape.”

* When I brush her, I feel like I have to be more careful and get things just right. She's sitting there and saying, "Look, big boy, I'm not one of these disheveled bitches you're always hanging around with." When I meekly say, "I'll try harder. I'm sorry," she replies, "I'm sorry too."

Nine lives at once

A couple of months ago, my cat Iliad, whom I adored, was killed by a car in front of my house.

Its strange to lose a cat. When my previous cat, Custer, died, it was a different experience – I adopted him with kidney disease, and he was very old, surviving only three years in my care (three happy years, mind you). I still cry sometimes when I think about that cat, and I still miss him, even though he died 2-3 years ago. I cry because I think of how horribly defensive and timid he was when I got him, how he very slowly came to trust me (and even others), how sweet and unintrusive he was, and how I hope with every ounce of my being that he was as happy as possible during his tenure here, despite the gradual onset of kidney failure.

But Ili was different. Ili was young and vibrant, trusting of and affectionate towards all bipedal individuals, and I never had a single doubt that he was happy at all times. My house is pretty much a feline resort: unlimited food, the ability to go outside and return inside at any time, an owner who is almost always at home and willing to play/pet at any time, etc. And Ili took full advantage of all those features and amenities with a remarkable sense of non-presumptuous entitlement. He spent his whole life here either outside hunting and sensing or inside, on his back, getting pet by a man (i.e., me) who took great pains to try different strokes and tempos and remember what seemed particularly pleasurable. He was as happy and well-adjusted a cat as I’ve ever come across, he had no boundaries or defenses (I used to floss his teeth sometimes; I actually think he liked it), and I absolutely, unconditionally adored him.

And then, one day, I picked him up off the side of the road, totally mauled by a car, which caused injuries that I don’t care to describe. In front of 4-5 onlookers, who had stopped their cars and come out to help, I could not speak, and I was crouched over Iliad, all 6’5” 260 pounds of me, sobbing. He was lifeless. I had never seen him lifeless; even when he slept, he seemed active to me. There is something fundamentally wrong with seeing something so sweet and happy die. It is difficult to process; I still don’t quite understand what happened, even though I know perfectly well. Shit – it would be really nice to believe in heaven right now.

Means of obstruction

From today’s NY Times:
“President Bush spent Tuesday replenishing his party's coffers and, in the face of resistance to his Social Security plan and much of the rest of his second-term agenda, struck an aggressive new tone by accusing Democrats of standing for nothing but obstructionism”

I don’t mean to be crude (sure I do), but kiss my ass Bush. Is crying ‘obstruction’ supposed to be some kind of pointed and considered political insult? Did Rove eat the latest focus group and polling results again? This is serious national politics, not a fucking rear windshield.

Yeah, uh, Bush, I don’t mean to be patronizing (sure I do), but this is indicative of what we Americans like to call a two-party system, and one party typically has different goals than the other. Moreover, the essence of your political agenda consists of tax cuts that disproportionately benefit upper-income families, privatizing the largest and most successful social program in the history of the world, appointing rather extreme right-wing individuals to federal positions, and launching pre-emptive attacks against weaker nations that refuse to concede to our wishes.

If ‘obstruction’ of this type of agenda represents some kind of politically risky move, then deal my fat ass in. According to Bush, the Democratic Leadership embodies "the philosophy of the stop sign, the agenda of the roadblock." That’s a sweet little sound byte, don’t you think? You know what? You’re right, Bush – we should stop hindering your efforts, and leave our fates in the capable hands of your palacial, imitation intellect.

Insight into me

The other day I was talking to a friend who was excited about something, and I told her, "That enthusiasm in your voice is very unbecoming."

I love it when my social aptitude and graces shine through.

Impressive

Apparently, even the Austrailians are starting to hate America. A poll conducted by the Lowy Institute for International Policy Research found that only 58 percent of Austrailians, long considered stalwart supporters of America, had a positive view of the United States.

Maybe its time for another invasion.

Swings

Please let the baseball season begin now. Please don’t make me wait four weeks.

Life is better during the baseball season.

Is there anything more beautiful in sports than a batter, using that odd mixture of relaxed grace and frantic, opportunistic urgency, absolutely destroying a pitch? There is something about baseball that makes those moments truly fulfilling to everyone who sees them and appreciates them. I haven’t hit a true home run (i.e., hardball, organized game/league, against live pitching) since high school, but I remember every one I hit vividly and completely. And I can tell you that there is nothing I have done that has given me such concentrated satisfaction, pride, and exhilaration. It is as if everything I am worth, everything I am capable of, and everything I have in my heart and mind was on display in each of those swings I took, all of which took less than a second to execute. And when I see other people do the same, although it is not me doing it, the effect is so powerful that I feel it too. And sure – I’m living vicariously through other grown men playing a game while wearing sanitary socks, and yes I’m pathetically hanging on to high school sports memories, but shit – it is still sweet.

Baseball is one of those few things that represents a genuine American contribution to humanity. The history, the idiosyncratic rituals, the fat coaches, the spitting, the grass, the inactivity. Ah, the inactivity. It is truly lovely. From my experience, most people hate watching baseball, and the beauty of this is that anyone who loves watching baseball knows exactly why people hate it so much. It is a slow game that consists of extremely brief periods of action separated by long spells of total inactivity. And as such, it reminds me of my exercise regimen, as well as of my work habits and sex life.

A Matter of Factor

I just saw something disturbing. Apparently, Bill O’Reilly, host of the Fox News program “The O’Reilly Factor,” has released a childrens’ book – “The O’Reilly Factor for Kids.” I cannot express how odd and troubling this book is to those of us who still cling to archaic ideas such as civility, intelligence, and the free exchange of ideas, but here are few sections of the book that I hear are particularly good:

• Making sure your teacher isn’t homosexual; how to get homosexual teachers fired
• How to start a movement to privatize your school lunch program
• Increasing your allowance with tax cuts
• Showing them who’s boss: dominating female classmates in gym class
• Effective teasing of Arab-American classmates: a primer
• The evidence suggesting that Santa Claus is actually President Bush
• My two mommies: how to undermine your gay parents’ marriage
• How to make a President Bush statue using popsicle sticks, glue, and glitter
• Preparing for your military career during elementary school
• Using recess time to fight terrorism: five simple steps
• How to spot a liberal classmate in a playground environment
• Investing your lunch money in a private Social Security account
• Why you’re NOT – and never will be – left behind