I dread the resumption of Congress in January. Republicans are already posturing, and promising to come out swinging with some legislation that is probably going to be one step away from medieval. I have one piece of advice for democrats in Congress –IMPEDE EVERYTHING. Fuck bipartisanship – you wouldn’t (and didn’t) get the same courtesy if you were in power. Make these people fight for every last inch.
In this spirit, I have come up with some suggestions for procedural changes aimed at hindering republican efforts in Congress to conservatize our nation.
- Begin each day’s session with a round of calisthenics and agility drills
- Replace the center aisle with a water slide
- Require that members hula-hoop at all times while speaking at the podium
- Permit hot-dog, beer, and souvenir vendors to circle chamber while in session
- Instead of “yays” and “nays,” replace with “Fuck yeah!” and “Oh, hell no!”
- Replace chamber desks with individual playground swings
- Eliminate the committee system, and set up a Model UN
- Include ass-paddling in swearing-in ceremonies of newly elected members
- Determine office and seating arrangements by penis size
- Install video games and porn-only web kiosks in cloak rooms
- Remove restrictions on in-chamber towel-whipping, fighting, and body-checking \
- Replace roll call votes with double-elimination thumb wrestling tournaments
- Two words: powdered wigs
- Install Yankee Stadium bleachers and fans in chamber to shout down legislation
- End every day with bipartisan drum circles
