With the primary season in full swing, one can only imagine what Republicans are planning for the general election campaign. With an unpopular war, a dismal incumbent, and a tanking economy, they have a lot to explain. As an unofficial GOP advisor (working on an unsolicited, pro bono basis), I have thrown together a few Republican talking points and strategies for the upcoming general election campaign. (Sadly enough, it is not impossible that one or more of these recommendations will actually occur.)
- If she is nominated, reiterate that Hillary Clinton is (technically) a woman, and that in the Mideast, women are not respected and are considered weak. Emphasize the role of the penis as a weapon attacking our enemies, and of the balls as intelligence storehouses. Refer to Clinton's supporters as her "knitting club," her campaign press releases as "recipes," and call her advisors her "campaign commi-tittie." Start rumors that Osama bin Laden and his aides dismissively refer to Hillary as the "Whoran" or "She-jad." Covertly hand out tampons at Clinton campaign rallies with the slogan "Change is Good - Hillary in '08" written on the packaging. During speeches on air, plant GOP operatives to chant "Show your tits!" while Hillary is speaking.
- If Barack Obama is nominated, point out that he is a black, drug-dealing, Muslim adolescent. Always say his name in full: "Barack Hussein Obama," eventually shortening it to "BHO," as in: all Obama will do is "B a HO" on the world stage. Start rumors that "Obama" is Arabic for "fuck this place," that his Secret Service guards are actually the Fruit of Islam, and that Obama governs according to the maxim: "What would Allah do?" Stir racial divisions by starting rumors that Obama has a "Thug Life" tattoo across his chest, that he has a "I Brake for White Women" bumper sticker on his limo, and that he will pass a law that makes D.C. stand for "dark chocolate."
- Remind voters that the stock market hates Democrats, and that the economy will tank if a Democrat is elected. Portray the stock market as a Christian white male. Refer to Democrats as "taxidermists." Chalk up the economic boom under Bill Clinton to a "freak financial blow job." Point out that liberals want higher taxes, and if confronted with counter-argument that this isn't true, call your opponent a "twinkle-toed communist." Blame rising gas prices on gay Democrats' consumption of lube.
- Never miss a chance to assert that the Islamo-fascist-jihado-terrorists want a Democrat elected President in 2008 because they're scared of Republicans. Report that radical Muslims have added a sixth daily prayer to ask Allah for a Democratic president. Call Nancy Pelosi the "Speaker of the Mosque" or "Madame Ovary." Retranslate old bin Laden video messages such that he refers to Bush as a "bad motherfucker" who "makes the hair on my back stand up."
- Use the argument that Democrats want to legalize illegal immigration, thereby making it just "immigration." Fabricate film footage of Democratic staffers at the border handing out toothbrushes to crossing Mexicans. Try and reframe the "Remember the Alamo" controversy as a border patrol dispute. Refer to Democratic campaign volunteers as "guest workers." Predict that traffic signs will soon be in Spanish, which will increase auto accidents and road congestion.
- Energize Evangelicals by predicting that a Democratic president represents a return to godlessness and moral ruin. Start framing liberalism as an "alternative lifestyle." Call the Democrats the "Party of Butt and Fun" and characterize their candidates as "Bi and partisan." Leak Democratic plans to change "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy regarding gays in the military to "Say that Shit, Do that Shit!" Claim that Democrats who say "Amen" after praying are actually saying "Ahhh...men."
